Guess what, everyone? The economy is recovering! Oil is down, the dollar is up, and once-dead stocks are set to come back to life. So start buying houses again, bring your money invested overseas back home, and throw caution to the wind.

Wait wait wait! This just in. The economy is shot to hell again. Stock prices are plummeting, inflation is skyrocketing, and the price of a slice of pizza is soaring. Walk away from your mortgage, trade in your car for a bicycle, and stash your cash under your mattress.

No wait, I take that back…

Depending on where and when you get your financial news, you may get a completely optimistic viewpoint that promises the economy is on the path to recovery—even though it hasn’t officially entered recession or depression or any other unhappy words. But 15 minutes later, that optimism turns to despair and hopelessness as some company somewhere lowers its profit forecast by 3% and takes out half the U.S. economy in the process.

Trying to read the pulse of the economy has gotten a lot harder lately. That’s because, in this age of instant news transmission and media sensationalism, the health of the economy has changed from a day-by-day vital sign to one that is switching directions every few seconds. Just look at this graph of the Dow Jones Industrial Average for the last 38 years. Gone is the relatively flat line of the 1970s and 1980s. In its place is something that looks like a roller coaster built by a crack fiend.

For the typical American consumer, hearing about things like “rampant inflation” and “looming recession” can be very scary, especially if you know what those things actually mean for you. But you shouldn’t worry too much about 99% of the everyday economic news you hear. Here’s a quick guide to scary-sounding financial events you shouldn’t panic over personally:

• [Insert company name] [bad news goes here]. Yeah, some big companies reporting major losses can have an immediate impact on the economy in general. Fortunately there are lots of big companies out there, so the investors driving most of the big financial news lately will get over it in 10 minutes when another company reports record profits.
• Unemployment is up. All this means is that across every job field in existence in the whole country, there are slightly fewer people working than before. This doesn’t necessarily mean your job is at risk. If you’re in a high-demand field and you’re a hard worker, you don’t really need to worry if Burger King replaces half its drive-thru workers with robots in India.
• Stocks are falling. Don’t start checking your 401(k) balance compulsively. And even if it sounds like there are more down days than up, the news just gets louder when the stock market takes a hit.
• The dollar is at record lows. Unless you and your life savings were planning to move to Europe next month, you shouldn’t worry too much about the falling dollar. Yes, things here might get more expensive faster, but you’ve got 300 million other people alongside you in the same predicament, so it’s not like you’re alone in this.
• Interest rate are [doing whatever]. Whether it’s the Fed rate, your mortgage rate, or your savings account rate, you shouldn’t panic if 6% turns into 4% turns into 3%. If your high-yield savings account rate drops too low for your tastes, it may be time to start playing the stock market a little more which will probably see gains when the cost of borrowing money declines.

And while there are plenty of economic indicators over which you shouldn’t get in a tizzy, there are a few things you’ll want to watch out for that may have a more direct impact on your financial picture.

• [Insert YOUR company name] [bad news goes here]. Depending on where you work, your company might not be big enough to make broad financial waves, so you may have to look to closer sources for news on the financial health of your employer. If things look bad, start planning appropriately for potential layoffs and other bad news.
• Your individual investments are heading downhill. If you’re into dropping large amounts of money on the latest “sure thing,” you’ll need to be much more paranoid than people like me whose only risky investments are index funds.
• Your direct expenses are going up. Yes, you should be a bit concerned when gasoline prices go up (not crude oil prices; you don’t use raw crude oil for anything). But rather than pacing around the room pulling your hair out, you should think about ways to decrease those expenses (cutting back or switching to a cheaper alternative, for instance) to address such changes.
• McDonald’s Dollar Menu now costs $1.10. If this ever happens, I will dump my life savings into gold and hide out in the mountains for a few years.

If you’ve been following financial news for the last few days, you haven’t been performing your requisite Irish duty of drinking for three days straight if St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Monday. That, and you may have heard something about a company called Bear Stearns. The details of Bear Stearns’ crisis are not important to this discussion, so suffice it to say that it’s another “bank in trouble” saga but on a bigger scale than usual. Not being mentioned much in this whole affair is the fact that a lot of good people in the 13,000-employee company are probably going to lose their jobs. In cases like this—major financial disasters that wipe out huge workforce numbers—it’s almost impossible for individual employees to do anything to protect their jobs.

For every massive set of layoffs like the one that will soon rip through the remnants of Bear Stearns, there are many more smaller job reduction events due to economic pressures. In our current recession-esque economy, it’s now more important than usual for people like you and me to take measures to keep our jobs secure, especially if it’s looking like job cuts may be in store at our respective employers.

So if even the hint of layoffs is wafting in the air at your workplace, here’s a series of things you should be doing (and hopefully have already been doing) to shield yourself from the Axe of Doom.

1. Keep up with the latest news at work. An informed employee is in a better position to make effective layoff-avoidance maneuvers than Joe Fingers-in-his-ears who turns a blind eye to office politics and obvious signs of distress.
2. Don’t look worried about layoffs. This follows partly from the last item. If your co-workers seek your thoughts on the likelihood of layoffs, always insist that they’re not going to happen (unless you’re their boss; then you’re on a whole different playing field than them and can afford to be more honest). While this is a bit sneaky and underhanded, it can help make sure your co-workers are the ones unprepared for layoffs instead of you. In addition, by coming off as unconcerned about layoffs while your co-workers spend half the day pacing nervously, you may convince your bosses that your co-workers have better reasons to worry about layoffs—namely because they suck at their jobs.
3. Stay on the radar. There’s a fine line between brown-nosing and hiding in your cubicle, and you’re going to want to ride it like a horse made of money when tough times are on the horizon. It’s much easier for managers to lay off no-name, no-face workers, so do what you can to keep yourself in the spotlight at work.
4. Get along with others. You know that guy you work with that everyone loves? He’s always the first to help you out when you get hammered with lots of work, or maybe he buys a round of drinks every so often when the team goes out to eat. As long as he’s pulling his weight on paper, nobody’s going to lay off the office “friend to all.” But you know Bertha down in Accounting who talks too loud on the phone and tries to convert everyone to her cult? Yeah, she’s totally gone in the first round of layoffs.
5. Find a safer position than your current one. If you’re on a 500-person project nearing the end of its schedule, and a great spot opens on another project within your company, you might want to jump ship as soon as you can. Similarly, if you’re in a large-sized organization that looks like it’ll need to shed some workers sooner or later, and there’s another spot down the hall on a smaller, overworked team, it might be in your best interests to give that new opportunity a shot.
6. Resist the temptation to slack off. If the word “layoff” starts getting around your workplace, productivity almost certainly will take a hit immediately as people spend more time worrying and less time working. Don’t fall into the same trap. Keep your productivity up and a smile on your face. Complete the look with one of those hard-working cat posters so your boss knows you mean serious business.
7. Volunteer for compromise opportunities. Some businesses these days try to avoid layoff situations by asking for people to voluntarily give up certain perks, take modest pay cuts, or switch to part-time for a while. You’ll need to weigh the cost of volunteering for these initiatives against the cost of potentially losing your job. Also, if your employer puts a call out for telecommuting (working from home) volunteers, try to be the first one to sign up since it could be a sign that your company is trying to save money on office real estate before moving on to saving money on personnel costs.
8. Increase your value to the company. Building up your skill set, signing up for extra work, and finding ways to help your employer make more money will certainly help you differentiate yourself from the rest of the crowd.
9. Make yourself indispensable. There are a lot of ways to help ensure you are seen as a vital (and not merely “important”) worker who should not be placed on the bad side of a layoff. Working hard and coming up with smart or money-saving ideas are two ways. Making sure nobody else knows how to do your job correctly is another.
10. Take your job to another company. Preempt that pink-slip by moving on to another employer not facing the same economic troubles. If you have friends in your field at other companies, now is the time to start talking to them. And if you end up switching companies but you really liked your old one, keep an eye on its financial climate for the potential to move back once the storm has subsided.
11. Get knocked up. If hard work and dedication isn’t up your alley, you can always play the sympathy and/or legal card. Loading a bun into your oven and telling the world about it has the double effect of winning you some compassion and adding you to a class of workers who could cry foul over getting canned. Watch lots of legal dramas and work on your best sobbing “They fired me because I was pregnant!” Men, please note that this tactic may not work for you (though it could qualify you for another class of protected workers—the mentally ill).

Bonus tip: if you’re slacking off and reading this article at work right now, your chances of getting laid off just went up 12%. Go tell your boss you like his new tie—yeah, the ugly neon “power tie”—to undo the damage.

It’s likely old news to everyone by now that electronic oddity store The Sharper Image is going bankrupt. You may have heard about it on the news or from a friend. Or perhaps you found out the hard way when you tried to use a Sharper Image gift card in the store only to have it refused. That’s right, as it flaps around like a fish out of sound fiscal waters, The Sharper Image will no longer take its own gift cards.

While I could easily talk at length about how wrong it is for a store to stop accepting its own gift cards, I have to say I’m quite amused by this situation. You see, The Sharper Image is the most perfect example of a store that needed to go bankrupt. I can think of no store, not even my arch-nemesis Wal-Mart, for which financial collapse is a more fitting fate. My anti-Sharper Image stance can be traced to the three characteristics of The Sharper Image that led to its demise:

1. The Sharper Image sells nothing but crap that nobody needs.
2. That crap is overpriced.
3. Despite the fact that Americans like to buy useless, overpriced crap, The Sharper Image couldn’t figure out how to sell their own useless, overpriced crap.

The fact that The Sharper Image is going under has slightly renewed my faith in the American shopping public. I’m shocked they were around for as long as they were selling dinosaur robots and other technological amusements that are about as fun as stabbing oneself in the face with the broken shards of a Chia Pet. Even I, someone who is easily amused by every latest shiny blinking contraption (fortunately I possess just enough financial restraint to keep myself from buying them… usually), have no problem passing by The Sharper Image every time I encounter one of their stores.

I think the best indication of just how worthless The Sharper Image is (was?) is the fact that some credit card issuers have reward programs that let you trade in one dollar worth of reward points for roughly $8,000 in The Sharper Image gift cards which is roughly enough value to get you one pack of used Sharper Image-brand AA batteries (batteries not included).

Now that I think about it, there is the possibility that The Sharper Image will emerge from its bankruptcy somewhat intact, still taking up shopping mall units that would otherwise turn into emergency backup Starbucks in case the mall’s primary or secondary Starbucks location ever had an espresso machine failure. If The Sharper Image does manage to return from the abyss, please… I implore you, don’t fall for its shiny blinking subterfuge. Stay far away from those robotic dinosaurs and roll-up piano keyboards like in that one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and hopefully The Sharper Image won’t make it very long into Round Two.

I can hear the poor people partying in the streets over the announcement of an economic stimulus package which will include hefty tax rebates for low-income folks—both the genuine kind of poor people and the “I only have a 56-inch HDTV and 600 satellite channels” kind. Under the plan, various people making under $75,000 (or under $150,000 for couples) will get back anywhere from $300 to $1,200 in the form of a tax rebate. “Tax rebate” is a nice way of saying “the government is going to cut you a check so you stop complaining about how bad the economy is.”

Unfortunately, the wizard of economic analysis that I am, I have determined that this economic stimulus plan will not help ward off the looming recession for three very subtle yet painfully obvious reasons:

1. Writing checks to stupid people is stupid. I promise you that 90% of the money issued by this tax rebate plan will go straight to drugs, booze, and hookers. And that’s just my share!
2. $300 cash isn’t going to help anyone. Most people who get their check will blow through that money in 24 hours or less. Yes, the purpose of the rebate is to encourage spending. But really, how much spending can you do with $300? One iPod, maybe some Pokémon cards. That’s it.
3. It includes too many not-so-poor people. In some parts of the country, a couple making $150,000 a year is considered filthy rich. The folks on the richer end of the rebate spectrum will likely put their money into savings or use it to pay down debts—something that’s not going to do anything for an economy that needs more consumer spending.

I spoke to President Bush about this earlier and offered some alternatives to this plan, but he wasn’t able to respond because I was talking to a TV broadcast of him. Despite that, I think I got my point across when I suggested one of the following options as a substitute for this economic stimulus package which is destined to miss its mark. I’ll share my alternatives with you now so you can judge for yourself.

Ten Much Better Ways to Stimulate the Economy

1. Send all $150 billion of the package to me. I will use that money to buy every household in America a George Foreman grill and the thickest, juiciest steaks that $1.99/pound can buy.
2. Cut out the rich folks. Save the tax rebates for the five or ten percent poorest people in the country. They are much more likely to re-inject it into the ailing economy with spending on things they don’t need like expensive jewelry, designer jeans, and fancy cars (Chevy Aveos for all!)
3. Send gift cards instead. Give everyone a $300 Target gift card. They’d kill two birds with one stone—consumer spending would soar, and Wal-Mart would be driven out of business.
4. Put on the biggest party in history. Use the money to host an annual Economic Stimulus Party that spans every city in America. It’ll make Times Square on New Years Eve look like your child’s third birthday party.
5. Fund “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” containers around the country. I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually seen a penny in one of these things. How about sticking a Benjamin in each one and renaming it to “Take a Hundred, Leave a Hundred?”
6. Start another war. These seem to be great for our country. How about we go after a country we could actually use for once, like Sweden. Then we could import all those hot Swedish women into the U.S. and help make our country look pretty again.
7. Instead of spending it on Americans, spend it on Iraqis. I think we could make Iraq a very peaceful country just by dumping a few plane-loads of cash all over it. Most insurgents are probably just angry because they can’t afford a nice pair of shoes. That money might help turn them from following a religion of hatred and violence to one of material goods and wealth, just like us!
8. Subsidize the rising price of milk. People getting stingy with their money and grumpy in general because they’re not getting enough calcium. Fear of brittle bones and rotting teeth are driving people to stash their cash or spend it on cheaper drinks like bottled water and beer. Milk, it does an economy good!
9. A Nintendo Wii for every household. I don’t know why; I don’t know how; I just know that doing this would turn the economy around instantly. Or it might cripple it irreversibly as people stay home and play videogames all the time. There’s only one way to find out for sure!
10. Pay the Hollywood writers to get back to work. If I don’t get some new episodes of Heroes and How I Met Your Mother soon, I’m going to stop spending money out of spite.

Of course it’s likely that none of my clearly superior economic stimulus options will be exercised, but I’m still looking forward to spending my $300 to help rejuvenate the economy. Though I can’t help but think that $300 worth of beef jerky might not be the best thing for me.

Breaking News! Warning! Attention! Emergency Alert Notification!

Hopefully you’re reading this now, because what I’m about to say will have a profound impact on your life for the next 2-3 minutes. Are you ready? Okay, here it goes.

The Fed—a.k.a. Kevin Federline—announced today that it would drop its key overnight lending rate by 75 basis points, from 4.25% to some smaller number, possibly 3.14159. While the Fed has been known to raise and lower rates in the past, this latest rate change came as a total shock to the entire world for three very important reasons:

1. It was on their day off. The Fed only works about six days a year, and then only for 30 minutes each day. The rest of the time, it plays pool in the basement of the Treasury building and debates whether or not a 3-dollar bill should be created so that Bill Clinton can finally be immortalized on our nation’s currency.
2. It was a lot of basis points. Usually the Fed only changes the rate by 25 or 50 basis points. This is the first time it has been dropped by 75 basis points since 1982. The drastic drop was seen as a necessary step to prevent inflation, recession, and chunky thighs.
3. The announcement was made during Judge Judy. While the early timing of the announcement was seen as required in order to prevent U.S. markets from responding to severe drops in foreign markets overnight, the Fed has apologized for making it during everyone’s favorite court show. It has promised to keep all future announcements restricted to the hours between the crazy Texas judge show and the angry Hispanic lady judge show.

Recent fears of recession were the primary fuel for the Fed’s rate-cutting fire. Other reasons for the cut included worries about rising consumer prices and a disappointing return when the Fed Googled itself and saw that it hadn’t been in the news much recently.

While the sharp rate drop has many people still worried that the economy has entered a tailspin, these people are the types who get all of their financial news from humorous personal finance websites, so they’ll believe anything anyone tells them. Well I’m here to tell you that you have nothing to worry about because the economy is indeed collapsing around you at this very moment.

Oh, I’m sorry, I meant to say everything to worry about. Specifically, you should be worried about these ominous bullet points:

• Your 401(k) is in the toilet right now. This morning, you had about $50,000 in your retirement funds. Right now, that should be down to about $2.99. Go buy yourself a nice lottery number prediction book from the supermarket checkout, because that’s your only hope of retiring right now.
• The major U.S. trade partners are hurting. Markets in Europe and Asia are bleeding profusely. Japan in particular is seeing its economy faltering. Most importantly, this means your chances of finding a Nintendo Wii on store shelves before August 2009 are now almost non-existent. But at least we’re taking the rest of the world down with us!
• Jobs may take a hit. Interestingly enough, when businesses aren’t making a lot of money, they tend not to be able to pay their employees as much. If you’re at work right now, take a look at the person to your left and the person to your right. Odds are high that one of them is on the phone right now getting you fired for browsing the internet at work.
• Food prices will continue to skyrocket. If you think $3.50 for a gallon of 2% milk is expensive, soon you could be paying $10 a gallon for 0% milk—that is, an empty plastic jug. Talks of a strike in the Cow Union will only exacerbate this situation.
• The housing slump may soon be over. It seems the Federal government is doing everything possible to ensure housing prices remain at their miraculously high levels. This means your dreams of moving out of that cardboard box you call an apartment may just slip through your grasp as the two-bedroom starter home down the street that the original owner bought in 1995 for $50,000 goes on the market for $1.3 million.

Worry not, Punny Moneyans. Uncle Nick will take you under his wing in these troubling times and provide you with the financial guidance you need to weather the economic storm. Tune in next time when I’ll show you how to turn those worthless dollar bills in your pocket into delightful table centerpieces.