Why In Blazes Are You People Buying This Crap on Amazon.com?
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: deals, internet
It’s no secret that I make a few bucks off running Punny Money. Most of it comes through unobtrusive means that nobody really objects to, like advertising and stealing your bank account information. But there is one slightly evil way that many websites, including this one, line their e-pockets with iGold—affiliate marketing.
Webster’s defines affiliate marketing as “scamming silly internet people into buying all sorts of worthless garbage so that you can make a few extra pennies while helping to drive the country into the poorhouse.” It’s really simple to set up, and today I’m going to share the secrets of affiliate marketing with you:
- Get a website. There are websites on the internet. They are sort of like carrots in a field; you harvest one, but you add your own spices before you serve it. Unlike carrots, however, orange websites are not very popular.
- Sign up for an affiliate marketer thingy. There are a lot of affiliate marketing services around. We’ll talk about one in particular in a minute.
- Retire. Congratulations! You just made 50 million dollars with no work.
I may have left out a step and any sense of reality, but you get the picture.
The only affiliate marketing program you’ll find on Punny Money belongs to Amazon.com, seller of virtually anything that can be shipped in little brown packages. Amazon’s affiliate program lets you link to its products catalog, and every time someone makes a purchase from Amazon.com through one of your links, you’ll receive a small commission. For example, if you purchase this $400 needlepoint kit, I’ll make $16. But that $16 of mine comes at a grave price—your $400. Sure, you get a lovely needlepoint kit, but it’s really not lovely at all—it’s $400 you don’t have anymore. Now Amazon has $386, I have $16, and you have a needlepoint kit you’ll work on for a few hours and then throw in the closet.
Amazon also lets you sell its products with fancy 21st-century internet picture links like the one you see on the right for its top-selling Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank. If you had a website and your visitors bought just 25 of these babies, you’d have enough money to buy all sorts of stuff, like a better life for your family or a Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank.
Partly because I don’t want the monetary basis of this website to influence its content, and partly because I feel a bit guilty trying to con random internet people into buying stuff, I don’t really use that many Amazon affiliate links around here. In fact, I’ve only used them two or three times in the last year and about a dozen times total during the entire life of Punny Money. But since lots of visitors to this website arrive here through links to older articles, there are still plenty of people who end up clicking through those rare Amazon affiliate links, and occasionally someone will make a purchase. Sadly, nobody’s ponied up for a Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank, but I’ve referred plenty of other sales for smaller items.
The best thing about Amazon affiliate links is that, even if someone clicks through your link for a Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank and they end up wandering around Amazon.com and buying a $400 needlepoint kit instead, you still get credit. In fact, about 90% of the product sales I’ve referred have been for items to which I’ve never linked. For instance, when I linked to this Toro Electric Leaf Blower/Vac (an item I actually own and love and highly recommend), two people bought the blower/vac, but someone else bought a cordless drill instead because it was featured as a “recommended item” on the same page as the blower/vac.
Remember when I said that 90% of my Amazon.com sales are for items I didn’t suggest myself? No? I just said it in the last paragraph. Are you skimming articles again??? Anyway, since Amazon provides detailed reports on every single item someone purchases from my referral account, I can see just what you crazy people are buying (but don’t worry, I can’t tell who’s buying what). And I have to say, you guys are buying some weird stuff. Here’s just a sample of the wacky crap that people have bought from Amazon.com who visited via Punny Money over the years.
High School Musical 2 (Extended Edition) Not satisfied with the regular, unextended edition of this movie, somebody shelled out 16 bucks to see a bunch of high school kids dance around and sing about serious issues like why Disney is stomping on Walt’s grave with crappy sequel after crappy sequel. I made 96 cents!
Seventh Generation Baby Wipes Refills, Chlorine Free and Unscented, 80-Count Packs (Pack of 12) (960 Wipes) What ever happened to the old days when people would just take their babies out back and hose them down after a diaper change? At least the person who purchased this product is giving some consideration to the environment as it is made only from natural ingredients like Polysorbate 20, tocopherol acetate, and other things with totally natural-sounding names. Now baby will be clean and less toxic than the other children on the playground.
Motomco #33475 Black Rodent Station Great, now I’m an accessory to animal murder, even if it is of the creepy crawly hairy variety. At least I can rest at night knowing that the purchaser got a pretty good deal on this—and I even managed to make 46 cents in the process.
Lg Chocolate Vx8500 Chocolate, Vx9900 Env, Vx8600, Ax8600, Lx150, Vx9400, Vx8700, Ax275, Vx8550, Vx8350, Rumor, Cu575 Trax, Lx160, Lx570 Muziq, Vx5400, Vx8800 Venus, Cu515, CU720 Shine Accessory Bundle Kit- Rapid Car Charger with Ic Chip + USB Data Cable I’m not even sure what this is. From the title, it’s either cell phone accessories, candy, or a hard math problem. Strangely enough, Amazon sells all three.
25 Opera Favorites I guess I shouldn’t say anything bad about opera music or I’ll come off as an uncultured jerk. Still, five bucks would’ve made for a great down payment on a Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank.
Shen Min Advanced Formula for Woman, 60 Tabs Apparently this product features “vital co-factor hair growth nutrients” which is industry code for “easy money from bald people.” Sadly, if my hairline and heredity have their way, I’ll one day be joining the ranks of the shiny-domes; but I’ll be employing a much more practical measure to deal with it—traffic cones hats.
Hopefully my exposé of people’s bizarre Amazon purchases won’t discourage you from shopping there in the future. And if you’re planning to take a stroll over there anytime soon—say, to pick up a Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank with your massive tax refund or rebate—don’t hesitate to do so through one of the many blatant affiliate links scattered throughout this article.
This post sponsored by the Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank: the most fun you can have driving around the desert of a foreign planet for under $20,000.
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64 Responses »
1.
Chris
March 31st, 2008 at 8:23 am
You rule dude.
2.
Frugal Dad
March 31st, 2008 at 8:50 am
Hilarious! I often wonder why people click on my link for a book about “Square Foot Gardening” and wind up buying “Tupac’s Greatest Hits” once they wind up at Amazon. It’s an interesting case study in human behavior!
3.
Grant
March 31st, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I love amazon….
and I would buy an imperial walker if I could afford it and it came with free gift wrapping and free shipping.
4.
Brian
March 31st, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Are you going to start e-mail subscription services?
5.
Tom
March 31st, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I swear, what doesn’t Amazon sell? No matter what I need to buy, Amazon ALWAYS pops up in the search engines.
6.
KoryN38
March 31st, 2008 at 7:20 pm
OMG geat post. I need me a Land Tank!
Amazon is great, i should buy there stock be for the world goes to poo and I need to roll out that StarWars looking Tank thingy.
7.
Sara - pensioncomparison.com
April 1st, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Amazon – sells almost everything! I still can’t find a copy of the 70′s/80′s movie Nadia…
8.
Becky@FamilyandFinances
April 1st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
@Sara
Wow! I remember that movie. We had a VHS tape of the movie that we taped off the tv. I also have a Disney movie called Polly that was taped off tv. I’m still waiting for Disney to re-release that.
Great article, as usual, Nick. I need to start Stumbling these (I read your articles at work, so I would have to remember to go back to them at home to Stumble them).
9.
Kyle
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:08 am
I think I’m going to start promoting the Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank on my own site. I once had somebody buy 6 ipods from amazon through one of my aff links. Yes, 6 ipods. All bought at once by the same person. The site is about learning spanish.
10.
Obbop
April 16th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Look at the URL address bar when you are at Amazon after clicking a link to that site here or at another Web site.
Some of those numbers/letters to the right of the loooong URL will be the code that tells Amazon who to kick down the affiliate’s share to.
After many Amazon purchases over the years I recommend the firm. Nothing but good luck with them.
As with all shopping, compare prices. I have found better pricing at local brick-and-mortar stores and, at times, Amazon had the better price, sometimes a lot better.
Also look for the declaration a goody qualifies for free shipping.
If you live in a geographical area with minimal retail facilities Amazon can give you access to goodies you would have to trek across the land to obtain at a store many miles away. What with the cost of gas nowadays Amazon is becoming a handy way to save time and money.
I also appreciate the ratings and comment aspect of Amazon.
Beware, though, some of the ratings and reviews are placed by shills and touts. I found a series of books from a small publishing house where the majority of reviews, all excellent, were from those working for that publisher!!!!!
Amazon can also be entertaining; some of the reviews have entered the annals of Web hilarity.
Have you read or heard of the infamous gallon jug of Tusca milk no longer for sale at Amazon? Well, go take a peak:
http://tinyurl.com/4aecl3
Egads, up to 990 reviews for an item no longer sold.
Amazon keeps the review section open for entertainment value.
Read enough of the reviews and you will see mine.
Amazon can be a good source of products and entertainment.
11.
Maria @ Financial-Tip
May 5th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Can’t believe I missed this post! I have to agree about random things, although I have sold three copies of one book I linked to at Amazon in the past month, among my other sales. The title, you ask? “Crash Proof: How to Profit From the Coming Economic Collapse.”
Of course, that doesn’t explain the Terry Women’s Cite X Bicycle Saddle – Black – 2117100 someone else bought.
I wonder about the person’s train of thought. “Oh, cool, a financial article. A financial book on Amazon, looks good. ….. I have always wanted a bike seat!!! Must buy NOW!”
12.
Sara - pensioncomparison.com
June 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Becky
I have a bet with 2 colleagues that they can’t find Nadia – so if they deliver I will let you know ;+)
Still hoping they will do a remake – haha!
13.
learn how to draw
July 14th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
unfortunately i was too poor to buy dad an Imperial Walker for his birthday, he had to settle for the At-At Walker. Better for destroying annoying ewoks though
14.
Therapy New York
October 1st, 2008 at 10:43 pm
I think that Amazon is a pretty good program to promote because everybody loves buying from Amazon. I am always buying books from Amazon. I think you could find your mother something on Amazon especially if she likes to read. It’s good to know that you are not trying to con anyone. I think the readers respect bloggers that are really try to help them.
15.
Curtains
October 8th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
That’s hillarious. People do buy the weirdest things there. I used to have a site where people would go to buy colour books, and end up buying sexy lingerie…
I usually buy tons of books. In fact, I go to bookstore and choose books i like, and then get them on amazon… cheaper
16.
Captain Candid 180
March 10th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Wow, you are an internet pimp! And a straight shooter too. Good lesson here, and a few strategically placed links to boot. I get the purpose of this article…ahem, but it’s really funny at the same time. Nice.
17.
Danny
June 18th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
i like to shop in amazon, it has huge number of books. affiliate marketing? i tried this before but i don’t think it’s worth my time and energy. by the way it is fun reading what you wrote. hahaha.
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July 22nd, 2009 at 1:20 am
I think you could find your mother something on Amazon especially if she likes to read. It’s good to know that you are not trying to con anyone. I think the readers respect bloggers that are really try to help them.
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iPad Ron
May 15th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Amazon is a great place for bargains in my view
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July 25th, 2010 at 11:50 pm
Amazon is a great money maker for those internet marketers with huge following and large traffic like Darren Rowse of Problogger.
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Student Loan Consolidators
July 26th, 2010 at 4:35 am
Its list of deviates is very nice for someone in my profession, however.
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August 12th, 2010 at 8:47 am
Even until now, nothing could beat the convenience of Amazon for online shopping. They make everything virtually possible.
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Faizal
September 18th, 2010 at 9:05 am
Nice article about amazon. That’s why people still buy at amazon. Not just a crap lol…
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January 20th, 2011 at 4:00 am
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February 16th, 2011 at 7:04 am
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April 2nd, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Great article about Amazon. Like many others above, I agree that Amazon sells just everything and people is always looking for something.
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April 6th, 2011 at 10:57 pm
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April 6th, 2011 at 10:58 pm
I buy all of my books on amazon.
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