Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Whoring Out Your Spouse For Fun and Profit

Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: ,

comic 8 - listen to your wife

Earlier this week, we looked at one of the many ways I make money on the side—selling snake oil to enfeebled minds. Today I’m going to reveal another secret money-making scheme of mine that has brought in tens of thousands of dollars in extra income for our family: selling my wife’s body on the street.

Now I know what you’re thinking—”Why didn’t I think of that?”—but hear me out. I’ll admit that we were a little skittish about the idea when it was first proposed to us by a disgruntled priest at a religious retreat three years ago. I mean, just the idea of sharing one’s spouse with strangers seemed utterly ridiculous. But when the prospect of making big bucks was presented to us, the idea became quite intriguing.

We decided to try it out a few days after we got back. We started small at first—selling 15-minute “romps in the sack” for $20 to stay-at-home dads in the neighborhood. (I even made a few extra bucks babysitting their kids while dad was “playing with his merchandise.”) My wife really warmed up to the job—not just for the money, but also because she realized that just about every customer she had was better in bed than me. I was a little afraid she was going to start offering her services for free because she enjoyed her work so much, but she assured me that would never happen.

Eventually we expanded the business, branching out to other neighborhoods, sometimes visiting downtown D.C. With the demand for top-quality working girls at an all-time high, my wife was quickly able to raise her going rate to $250 an hour. She became a favorite of foreign diplomats along Embassy Row where we frequently set up shop—and not to give out geography lessons, if-you-know-what-I-mean.

Sadly, most of her best clients were recently impeached, removed from office, deported, or assassinated, so business has dried up quite a bit. We were thinking of relocating to a different area with a lower client-to-call-girl ratio, such as Vatican City, but my wife decided to give up the business and focus on her education instead. Something about using her “academic” talents, whatever that means.

Since we’re out of the industry now, I figure there’s no harm in sharing some of the secrets behind our sexual fiscal success, just in case you and your spouse are thinking about giving this money-making opportunity a test drive.

  1. Share the responsibilities. One of you should be committed full-time to doing the hard work—taking care of the finances. All that money you’ll be making will require someone with a strong background in mathematics who can at least count from 1 to 100. And while your partner won’t need lots of arithmetic to service clients, your spouse should still be able to count up to 69 or so.
  2. Incorporate your business. I don’t know very much about proper business law, but one of the hookers my wife used to share a street corner with says that her pimp organized himself under an LLC—a limited liability call-house—which protects his business assets and employees in the event that they’re busted by the cops. Be sure to look up the laws in your own state as you may be better off organizing yourself as an S-corp, which is short for “strumpet corporation.”
  3. Set your price high—but not too high. Don’t think you’re gonna make $4,000 an hour right away like a certain gubernatorial call girl who’s been in the news lately. At the same time, don’t sell yourself short. You might not be able to demand much right away, but once word of your spouse’s talents spreads, you can easily make $1,000 or more a night.
  4. Get the word out. One of the trickier parts about being a harlot is connecting with potential clients. After all, you can’t just take out an ad in the Yellow Pages or slap a bumper sticker with your phone number and measurements on your car. Instead, you’ll have to advertise primarily through word of mouth and maybe Craigslist.
  5. Offer a rewards plan for repeat customers. Specials like “buy 4, get 1 free” are sure to attract the attention of customers who want a concubine that’s easy on the eyes and on the budget.
  6. Take care of your spouse’s body. Just like a professional bowler takes good care of his hands, so too should both of you work on keeping your spouse in top physical condition. Sure, it means lots of trips to the gym, nutrition centers, and lollipop stores, but that’s what it’s going to take to keep your spouse a viable product in today’s market.
  7. Don’t forget to do your taxes. Some streetwalkers prefer pocketing their cash and stiffing the government, but we’re a wholesome and ethical couple, so we’re always sure to declare our sex money on Schedule C of our Federal tax returns. After all, you don’t want the IRS pounding on the door at the same time the police are breaking it down.
  8. Make time for the two of you. Remember, just because your spouse is sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry on the block doesn’t mean you two aren’t still married—for better or for worse. Set aside one evening each week for a little alone time. For us, we’d spend every Tuesday night in bed for hours counting all of the money we were bringing in.

Notice how I’ve been rather gender-neutral during this discussion? That’s because it doesn’t have to be just the woman in your relationship who’s doing the deeds. And while the demand for male whores isn’t quite as high, an attractive man who can go the distance can still fetch quite a price in the right places (like flower shows and PTA meetings). I’ll admit we tried selling some “Nick sandwiches” at one point, but there just wasn’t that much demand outside of the gay community.

I almost forgot one very important bit of advice: don’t forget the all-important over limit fee for clients who weigh more than twice your spouse does. You’ll need that extra money to pay for chiropractic and psychotherapeutic sessions down the road.

So give it a shot, and let us know how it goes by leaving a comment below. Oh, and while my wife may have officially retired from the business, if any ladies out there are looking for a “financial manager,” feel free to give me a buzz.

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