What Sort of Lunatics Bought the 55,000 Hummers Sold Last Year?
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: energy, transportation
It should come as no surprise in these times of high gas prices, environmental crusades, and rampant judgmentality that sales of large, gas-guzzling automobiles are slowing. People seem to finally understand that they can just as easily fit two kids in the back of a Honda Fit as they can in a 12-door SUV. Well, most people seem to understand this. Somewhere in this country are 55,986 people who bought Hummers in 2007.
In case you live under a rock big enough that a Hummer hasn’t crushed it yet, Hummer is a brand of personal battle tank created during the 1980s to fight Nazi zombies. This vehicle, known as the “Humvee” or “Human-crushing Vehicle,” was so successful at repelling the zombie invasion that Hummer decided to modify it and sell it for general civilian use. Unfortunately this meant that all of the useful features of the Humvee, such as the armor and weapons emplacements, were removed leaving only the less useful features such as low gas mileage, high maintenance costs, and the inability to fit the damn thing into a garage.
Still, Hummer’s H1 vehicle sold quite well during the 1990s and early 2000s; and when Hummer rolled out its slightly smaller and more practical H2 and H3 models, those too went flying off stores shelves. Today, Hummer only produces H2 and H3 models, the latter of which is a full ton lighter than the former. Those extra 2,000 pounds on the H2 translate to abysmal fuel economy—an average of just 13 miles per gallon—though the H3 doesn’t do much better at just 15 MPG. Thanks almost certainly to the skyrocketing price of gasoline, H2 sales fell by over 50% from the previous year in 2007, and there are rumors that the H2 will be discontinued altogether within a few years.
As I pumped that $3.60 premium into my 32-mpg MINI Cooper this morning, I saw an H2 and two H3s go by in less than five minutes. It occurred to me that those drivers would be paying almost $7.50 to go the same distance I go on $3.60. This just begs the question: why did anyone by a brand new Hummer last year, much less 55,000 of them? I would think you could get a used Hummer from someone tired of paying through the nose for gas for about $50; but even then, why would you sentence your wallet to a slow, painful death by driving?
Some people might argue that they need a Hummer for hauling around heavy objects or keeping their families safe. Sure, a Hummer could pretty much carry the population of Rhode Island from Point A to Point B, but so could a much cheaper pickup with significantly better gas mileage. And as for the safety features of the Hummer, they’re severely overrated; something that big takes forever to bring to a stop, and there are several now-standard safety features missing from many Hummer models.
So this leads us to only one possible conclusion: 55,000 eco-terrorists bought Hummers last year and will use them to collapse the ozone layer and kill us all… assuming we don’t kill each other over high gas prices first.
Which we will.
And soon.
Like, by Tuesday.
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21 Responses »
1.
Frugal Dad
April 24th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Our neighbors owned a Hummer and I overheard the couple discussing “getting a new car.” I hoped they would downsize, but instead they went out and bought a new Hummer! Idiocy times two!
2.
Kyle
April 24th, 2008 at 10:27 am
I have taken a stand against people who drive massive SUVs and refuse to let them merge in front of me no matter what. I also leave mean notes to lazy SUV drivers who can’t park and take up 3 spaces. If you’re going to drive a vehicle the size of New Jersey, at least learn to park it properly. I may have to start letting air out of their tires if they don’t get the message soon. It’s war.
3.
Maria @ Financial-Tip
April 24th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
A woman who lives near us bought a Hummer in 2007. She is a real estate agent.
Makes sense?
4.
teleolurian
April 24th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
It’s world war Z all over again…
5.
Chris
April 24th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Stupid f’n soccer moms with their big Hummer SUV’s.
6.
Finally Frugal
April 25th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Love it! I have a friend who works at the local Cadillac/Hummer dealership, and she is astounded at the number of people who come in, willing to pay $60,000 upfront for a vehicle that gets 10 mpg. She needs the money, so keeps the job, but it disgusts her.
It’s amazing to me that some Americans think they need a giant car to hold their 2.5 kids and designer poodle. Europeans and others have survived for years with smaller, fuel efficient automobiles—-why do Americans think they’re entitled to pollute the air and use natural resources at a higher level than anyone else?
Great post!
7.
SingleProfessional
April 25th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I agree that the giant SUVs are an egregious waste. I’ve spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out why people keep buying them. It all comes down to status. The fastest way to tell people that you are better off than they are is to get a new car. The bigger and flashier your car the faster people notice you and say to themselves “they’ve got money”.
8.
Clever Dude
April 25th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Why did it take you 5 full minutes to fill up your 10 gallon MINI?
I agree that Hummers are ridiculous, but they’re really nice to drive. However, they really don’t have much space inside. The headroom is nonexistent and if you don’t get the rear-mounted tire, say goodbye to any space in the back cause that’s where they put the tire. And tell me how many Hummers you see with tow hitches installed.
Honestly, I take note of who’s driving the bigger SUVs (escalades, denali, expedition, excursion, hummer, sequoia, etc.) and I’d guess about 80-90% of the time it’s a small woman. I can only guess it’s a mom because what single woman would actually go out and choose to buy a Hummer otherwise? Oh, and if they’re realtors, they’re not advertising it on their vehicle so there goes that assumption.
9.
Ernesto@InsuranceYak.com
April 25th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Far as I know, the US Gov. still has the 6000 pound vehicle write off for small business owners. So pay $60K for an Escalade, get a $60K tax write off.
10.
Toni
April 25th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
About 2 years ago I had the following bumper sticker on my Celica:
SUV = WWIII
I can’t tell you how many people yelled at me, swore at me, etc. I had to cover it with a organ donation bumper sticker…I feared for my life!
11.
Nichole
April 28th, 2008 at 9:22 am
I really think 99.9% of those “eco-terrorists” live in South Florida. I swear AS SOON AS I read this article I started seeing hummers left and right, and at least half a dozen with temp tags still on. Who in their right mind would buy one of those things in times like this?? I’m sticking with my theory that the sun has fried most people’s brains down here…
Anyways, love your blog, thanks for the laughs!
12.
Monty Loree
April 28th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Many people are price insensitive to Hummers and gas prices. They want status, and they’re willing to pay for it. That’s the American way isn’t it?
So… now the American way should be “be green”??!!… will that ultimately help the consumeristic economy?
13.
Bill
April 28th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I love the post!!! We’ll never understand people who buy Hummers (except that they suffer from a mental — or worse yet, a physical — shortcoming.
@Ernesto: The government loophole that started the Hummer-buying craze expired a while back. I think it was in effect for 5 years, but I’m not sure and too lazy to google it
14.
Sairah
April 28th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I agree 1000% with the post and all the comments as well. I just think the thing LOOKS utterly ridiculous to start with, (who decides to put such an atrocious, glaringly bright, beyond school-bus yellow color on such a monster car?!).
The “cool look” would be the only half-arsed reason I could imagine for someone to buy this vehicle, but as I’ve already noted, that reason does not exist in this case, therefore only brainless zombies (or people with enough money to stuff their underwear with it) could ever purchase said vehicle.
Another great post =D
15.
kittencaboodle
April 28th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I agree with all of the above. And yet, I really want one. A BRIGHT yellow one. (But it will NEVER happen!! :=) )
16.
Colorado Mortgage Company
April 29th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I don’t even know how people park Hummers.
17.
Nick
April 30th, 2008 at 10:03 am
If you are really concerned about the environment and believe that vehicles have a significant impact on the environment, why are you targeting Hummer? They ONLY sold 56,000 trucks last year, and have only sold 250,000 since the brand began. By comparison -
Jeep - 119,243 Wranglers sold in 2007 (avg FE - 16 mpg)
Toyota - 55,117 FJ Cruisers (avg FE - 16 mpg, Premium fuel) and 196,000 Tundras (avg FE - 15-17 mpg depending on model)
Ford - 690,000 F-Series (avg FE - 16-17 mpg)
So who is really using more fuel?
18.
Dave B
May 3rd, 2008 at 4:18 am
I’m that sort of lunatic and I’m getting one next week. I don’t have a status deficiency or the need to impress anyone. They’re unique and I like the way they look, simple as that. I only drive about 10,000 miles per year and I can afford it so why not? I currently own a full size truck with a V-10 engine that gets 8-9 mpg, so it’s an mileage upgrade for me. The 08’s have vastly improved mileage, power and interior. I compared the 10 most popular large 2008 SUV’s at consumer guide automotive. Results may surprise you.
Avg mileage 13.4 / Hummer mileage 12.4 ( 1 mpg diff)
Avg overall width 79.2″ / Hummer width 81.2″ (2 inches diff)
Avg height 77″ / Hummer height 78.5″ (1 1/2″ diff)
Avg headroom and legroom front and back (identical)
Avg cargo space 98.7 cu ft / Hummer 86.6 cu ft
Aside from a little cargo space their basically the same. If you don’t like the way they look, fine, but I’m not melting any more glaciers than your neighbors driving their Expeditions and Tahoes.
It’s funny how you’ll never hear this about the guy buying the BMW 760LI for $125,000, getting 14 mpg, with a payload of 5 passengers and 2 suitcases.
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