Sure, Citi might have the best reward cards, and Discover has some great balance transfer offers, but the best credit cards never see the light of day. Here are just a few cards that you won’t soon be swiping at the grocery store but you’ll wish you could.

Voosa Awesome Card
This card is designed for all of the awesome people out there, mainly circus acrobats and readers of Punny Money. The Awesome Card features an amazing reward program unlike any card you’ve ever seen. For each dollar you spend using the Voosa Awesome Card, Voosa will donate three cents to the American Society for the Awesomely Challenged. Please do all you can to help those out there who just can’t be as awesome as us by signing up for the Voosa Awesome Card today.

MasterBate Rewards
The MasterBate Rewards card makes using credit cards feel good. Not only do you earn a 1% cash rebate on all purchases made with the MasterBate Rewards card, but you’ll also earn 5% cash back on purchases made at sex toy shops, strip clubs, and hookers equipped with credit card sliders in their boobies. So keep your cash at home and put the MasterBate Rewards card in your pants pocket… if there’s any room left in there.

Card of Darkness
This is the perfect credit card for goths, heavy metal fans, and people suffering from depression. The Card of Darkness comes with a zero-dollar credit line which will reinforce your lifestyle of sadness and despair because it’ll be rejected every time you use it. And if you’re tempted to overspend using the Card of Darkness, you won’t need to take a pair of scissors to this card; it comes with the patented Emo-Sense™ Technology that lets this card cut itself!

Iranian Express Gold Card
If the Israeli Express card isn’t your cup of tea, then you’ll absolutely love this Gold Card from Iranian Express. Redeem reward points on this card for a variety of merchandise including restaurant gift cards, airline tickets, and nuclear weapons. If you want this card, you better hurry; Iranian Express appears to be the target of a hostile takeover by American Express, and you know how things turned out for Iraqi Express.