Hi, I’m comedian Bob Saget. You probably remember me best as Danny Tanner, the father on Full House, or maybe as the original and far superior host of America’s Funniest Home Videos. I’m here today as a different kind of host–the host of the Festival of Frugality. Unfortunately, Nick was called away on a national frugality emergency, so I’ll be filling in for him along with a bunch of my celebrity friends. And now, here’s my good friend Chuck to introduce the first submission.
Chuck Norris: When I’m not out crushing bad guys’ skulls with my index finger, I’m usually at home doing the laundry. And with as much blood that gets spilled on my clothes, I use a lot of laundry detergent. That’s why this recipe for homemade laundry detergent sent in by Free the Drones will save me tons of money. Not that I need the money; after all, the only currency I use is the fear of my enemies.
Fred Flintstone: When I’m in the market for a car, I’ll usually pop on down to the local dealership and haggle my way into a new set of wheels. But cars don’t come cheap these days, especially with the rising price of rocks and wood. So the next time you’re looking to buy an automobile, read these ten used car buying tips from Car Buying Tips to Save You Money. Here’s an extra tip from me: make sure you get a car with a sunroof big enough to fit your pet dinosaur’s head!
Michael Jordan: Thanks to my professional basketball career, I own 34 houses in 72 different states, each with its own zip code and power plant. But I understand that not everybody can slam dunk their way to success like I have. That’s why you should read these frugal shelter ideas from Adventures in the 100 Acre Wood. And the next time you’re in Illinois, stop by my house for a little one-on-one; I’ll spot you 21 points and we’ll play to 20.
Regis Philbin: You might want to be one, but you don’t have to be a millionaire to experience a luxurious trip to the Bahamas. Jennifer Miner tells you how to make it happen! From dining at off-resort restaurants to cutting costs on hotel stays, you can save a boatload of moolah and vacation like a millionaire.
Anna Kournikova: It’s time for me to break into this male-dominated Festival of Frugality the same way I broke into the sport of tennis. Now that I’m retired, I spend a lot of time at home, but this article by Frugal Wisdom From Wenchypoo’s Warehouse talks about Linda Hirschman, a lady who’d like to see all women working outside the home. Wenchypoo makes a great counter-argument to Linda’s beliefs and says that Linda is a danger to frugal women everywhere. You can decide for yourself who’s right; and as for me, I’ll be taking Wenchypoo’s advice and staying at home. And Nick, while I’m happy to help fill in for you, please remember that the new restraining order says to keep 200 feet from me, not 100.
Paris Hilton: Yeah, you tell ‘em, Anna. Now, as you all know, I am a very strong advocate for learning stuff, and I feel that it’s important for every person to get a quality college education… well, except for me because I’m going to inherit about a million bajillion dollars. Anyways, GraceGarth.com has some really hot tips on cutting the cost of college so that even poor people like all y’all can get a nice, shiny diplomat to hang on your wall.
Mel Gibson: Hi, I’m Mel Gibson. As part of my court-ordered community service for my recent drunk driving charges, I’m here to share with you this frugal tip by Mighty Bargain Hunter on how to save money cleaning your carpet. As it turns out, it’s just as cheap to, uh, hire professional cleaners as it is to, um, do it yourself. You see, carpet cleaning–oh, oh, that’s it. You know what? I’m not doing this sh** anymore. I own Malibu, for crying out loud! I’m going to spend all of my money to get even with you, Nick, for making me do this stupid Festival. You hear me??? I’m gonna–
Bob Saget: All right, that’s great, thank you Mel Gibson and to all of our celebrity guests who have appeared so far to help spread frugal advice across the land. Up next, we have some familiar faces here to talk about penny stocks, cheap landscaping, carpooling to save money, and a variety of other frugal topics as the Festival of–*THONK*
David Hasselhoff: Bob? Bob, you there? Oh, I guess I’m on then. Ahem. Even a world-renowned music superstar such as myself is always on the lookout for a great deal in the stock market. Fortunately I checked out this great article on why penny stocks are a bad idea written by HJL Money Blog before I dumped a truckload of money into some cheap stocks. Instead, invest that hard-earned money into a commodity that’s sure to double in value–my new single Jump In My Car which hit #50 on the Australian charts! Oh yeah!
Mel Gibson: Hi, I’m Mel Gibson. As part of my court-ordered community service for my recent assault on Bob Saget with a metal folding chair, I’m here to share with you this article from The MotherLoad on making your own foamy bath soap. In the article, Amy describes how she takes used soap containers and makes her own mixture of–all right, that’s it. Enough is enough. Why am I stuck with the foamy soap article? Couldn’t I at least get the one on carpooling or something a little more manly? Come on, people! I’m an Academy Award-winning director, and you’re making me talk about frickin’ foamy soap??? (No offense, Amy. I’m addicted to foamy soap myself.)
Ghost of George Washington: Hello, this is the spirit of the first President of the United States here with an important message from The Good Human. While I’ve been gone, you Americans have racked up over two trillion dollars worth of consumer debt. When I was in office, not only did we not even have the number “trillion” yet, but we thought the U.S. economy would never need more than $87 in circulation. Boy were we wrong! So be sure to read this smart advice from David on why carrying consumer debt can hurt your mind as well as your wallet, and think twice before you go spending all those green pictures of me.
Inanimate Carbon Rod: Hey kids, it’s your favorite character from The Simpsons, an inanimate carbon rod, and I’m here to share some tips on saving money landscaping sent in by Free Money Finance. FMF has some great ideas for scoring free stuff for your landscape including asking your local government for trees and trading garden goodies with your neighbor. What, you’re looking for some witty commentary here? How can I do that when I’m just a *sniff* lonely inanimate carbon rod without anyone to love me?
Katie Holmes: Aw, any woman would be lucky to have you, inanimate carbon rod. Anyway, I’m Katie Holmes here with a special message from our good friend Nina over at Queercents. She and her partner are planning to have a baby, but they’re finding out that the baby-making process comes with a hefty price tag. But that’s okay, because you can just sell pictures of your baby for millions of dollars just like Tom and I did, right? Right! Uh-oh, here comes Tom now. Please don’t tell him I went outside my dungeon, okay?
Tom Cruise: Katie? Katie, where are you? You better not be outside your Dungeon of Despair! Oh, hi there, Punny Money reading audience. When I’m between slave women, I eat an awful lot of vegetable soup. Here’s a great recipe for a cheap, easy-to-make vegetable soup sent in by It’s Just Money. Of course, I always like to add a little bit of human placenta to my vegetable soup to give it that extra kick. Hail Xenu!
Donald Trump: I’m Donald Trump here to talk to you about purchasing a house. Over the course of my life, I’ve bought over 13 million pieces of property in New York City alone, and each one cost at least 70 billion dollars. But this article from Bouncing Back tells me that it might not be such a great idea to buy so much home when a smaller one will do fine. That’s why all of my property purchases from now on will cost no more than 30 billion dollars. This way, I’ll have money left over at the end of the day to use on things I enjoy, like buying Texas.
The Olsen Twins: Hey everyone, this is Mary Kate Olsen and my sister Ashley, and we’d like to tell you about some of the benefits of carpooling as mentioned at My 1st Million At 33. You see, Ashley and I carpool just about everywhere we go. When we go in for our seven-minute work day, we share the same 200-foot limousine equipped with a hot tub and mini-bar. It saves time and money, and it’s better for the environment. And at night, when we’re coming home from an evening of clubbing, we carpool home with dozens of guys we don’t even know!
Mel Gibson: Hi, I’m Mel Gibson. Apparently it’s a misdemeanor in this state to bad-mouth foamy soap, so I’m here as a part of my court-ordered community service to share with you fivecentnickel.com‘s first impressions of selling on Craigslist. You see, now that nobody will ever let me make or star in a movie again, I’ve been forced to sell a lot of my stuff to make ends meet. But after reading nickel’s take on Craigslist, I think I’ll stick with yard sales and eBay to help me turn my precious possessions into a few measly cents.
Kermit the Frog: Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here with my friends from daveandkaty.com to tell you about the benefits of having a debt-free relationship with your significant other. Miss Piggy and I both agree that it’s important for every couple to have a budget and to keep our monthly expenses low. In reality though, she’s out driving $200,000 automobiles while I’m stuck making payments on our lilypad. Hmm, does anyone know a good interspecies divorce lawyer?
Steve Jobs: As the CEO of a multi-billion-dollar computer company, I have a lot of friends and family, most of whom I don’t even know or aren’t even related to me at all. That’s why I have to be careful about being too generous with them. Money and Values talks about how it can be difficult to be generous with your friends and family while still leading a frugal life yourself. Of course, if you want to be especially generous to that special friend or family member, be sure to get them a brand new Apple Macbook Pro this Christmas. Apple Macbook Pro, now with only a 3% chance of having an exploding battery!
Dr. Phil: This is gonna be a changing day in your life! That’s because you’re going to read this story by The Bargain Queen about how she made the frugally sound decision to cut out the “alternative therapies” from her life. Now, not only is she saving money, but she’s feeling better than before. Perhaps she realized that the only therapy America needs is a good one-hour sit-down session every afternoon. So ditch those drugs, give your physician the pink-slip, and check your local listings for me!
Warren Buffett: People may not associate frugality with my name, seeing as I’m the second-wealthiest man in the world. But it’s a little-known fact that I still live in the same house I owned in 1958. Not only that, but I drive the same car and wear the same socks as I did back then. I made it big in business by saving money wherever I could. That’s why I think this article by Business Opportunities Blog (BOB) offers some great advice on frugal marketing options. So the next time you’re going to start or acquire a Fortune 500 company, be sure to keep BOB’s advice in mind and you’ll save big on getting the word out about your business.
Star Jones Reynolds: As you may already be aware, I love free stuff. In fact, my entire wedding only cost me $7.65 out of pocket thanks to all of my corporate sponsors. And while I’m sure you’d love to pull off your very own free fairy-tale wedding, you might want to stick with something a little more manageable like this list of great freebies scored by my fellow freebie-lover over at Experiments in Finance.
Al Gore: Hello, I’m Al Gore. You may know me best as your former Vice President, or perhaps as your current legitimate President depending on what counting system you use. But today I’m here as Al Gore, friend to the environment. Blueprint for Financial Prosperity recently informed us that Toyota has sold its 60,000th hybrid vehicle. Why should this matter to you? Well, other than the extraordinary environmental benefits that all these fuel-efficient automobiles grant our world, Toyota hitting the 60,000-hybrid mark means your tax benefits for purchasing eligible Toyota vehicles will soon plummet. Hey, don’t blame me. If I were President, I’d have bought everyone in the country a brand new hybrid vehicle. But I guess you can thank the fine folks of Florida for keeping you in that 12-mile-a-gallon monstrosity of yours.
Mel Gibson: Hey Saget, I just found out you gave that article on carpooling to the Olsen twins. Now why did you have to go and do something like that? I mean, I’m the ideal guy to talk about carpooling, what with all the car chase scenes I’ve done. And do you know why? It’s because every single time I did a car chase, there was someone else–usually a screaming Danny Glover–in the car with me. If that’s not carpooling, I don’t know what is! I’m warning you, Saget. You better give me an awesome article to talk about right now or I’m gonna go Lethal Weapon on you.
Bob Saget: Sorry, Mel, but that’s all the time we have for this edition of the Festival of Frugality. Be sure to tune in next week when the Festival stops at MotherLoad: The MomAdvice Blog. For all of us here at Punny Money, this is Bob Saget telling you to send in those funny videos–oh, wait. Sorry, old habits are hard to break.