Ten Reasons Why Global Warming Is Great!
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: energy, environment
I’d like to step back from personal finance for a moment and discuss a problem that has been dominating the headlines lately: global warming. On the outside, global warming seems to be the greatest threat mankind has ever faced—worse even than the threat of nuclear war, the Black Plague, or those creepy aliens from the movie Independence Day. The predictions are grim: tens of millions of people will drown very slowly as if they were walking into the deep end of the pool over the course of 20 or 30 years, ground animals will grow confused and start living in trees, and food crops we use to fuel our cars will wither and die.
But those of us who are truly educated and have perhaps baked our brains too long in the gloriously harmful rays of the sun know the truth: global warming is awesome. You could just take my word for it, or you could consider the following information before you trade in your SUV for a “fuel efficient” tricycle.
- Most of the globe is actually really cold. It wasn’t until relatively recently that the Earth finally thawed out from a long and chilly ice age. While snow cones were plentiful, so were frostbite and school closings. Much of the world still deals with sub-zero temperatures on a daily basis. I’m sure you don’t hear folks in Siberia complaining about global warming.
- No more snow removal. How does an average high of 60 degrees on January 1st sound to you folks up in New England? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Sure, a few people down by the equator would have to put up with 180+ degrees in summer, but there would be plenty of room for them to relocate in Canada. (In all seriousness, global warming would mainly affect winter temperatures in the north, so Mexico won’t become a hot tamale.)
- Global warming would only kill off the unpopular animals. Does the world really need polar bears? Sure, Coca-Cola would have to find a new wintertime mascot, but plenty of Northerners would appreciate not being eaten by these monstrous teddy bears of death. As for penguins, I think their appeal is on the way out thanks to some crappy penguin movies the last few years.
- Santa Claus will be fine. The CIA is reportedly helping Santa Claus relocate from the North Pole to a small Caribbean island as we speak. Expect a tanner fat man to wiggle his way down your chimney by Christmas 2010.
- No more droughts! At its current rate, global warming would increase precipitation 7% by the end of the century. Farmers and water park operators rejoice!
- Lower heating bills would more than offset higher A/C costs. If we traded just five cold winter degrees for five warmer ones, we’d run air conditioning a bit more and heating a lot less. All that heating fuel we save could go to powering our cars, helping augment the awesome power of global warming even more!
- No more flu season. Contrary to popular belief, the flu is not transmitted by “cold” or snowmen. It spreads when people come and stay in close contact indoors—something you get a lot of during cold winter months. Warmer winters could save tens of thousands of lives each year from the flu and other diseases.
- Plants love global warming. No, the world will not die of famine if global warming has its way. Warmer winters would mean longer growing seasons. And all the carbon dioxide supposedly responsible for global warming? Plants will eat it right up and become stronger and healthier.
- So what if we lose a few coastal cities. The economic benefits of warmer winters and nights would far outweigh the costs of combating tiny rises in sea levels. With the extra precipitation making our deserts more inhabitable, we could just shift all the U.S. cities inward half a mile each. Toasty!
- Bikini season 10 months a year. Aww yeah.
So before you start picketing your local manufacturing plants and chaining yourself to trees marked for deforestation, give global warming a chance. Together, we can create a warmer, sexier planet for all of our future generations.
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46 Responses »
1.
Money Blue Book
October 4th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
What an interesting entry.
It’s October already and it’s still remarkably warm and humid here on the east coast. If this is global warming at work I can’t complain.
2.
Stephanie @ PoorerThanYou
October 4th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
I know pointing out the flaws in any of your claims is pretty silly on a site called “Punny Money,” but I thought I’d mention that global warming does not mean less droughts. That extra precipitation is coming from somewhere – in other words, even more water is being sucked out of the ground in some places, and droughts will become worse there.
In other news, I can’t wait until Los Angeles turns into an underwater city!
3.
Nick
October 4th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
Yeah, welcome to the Warm Team, MBB!
Stephanie, it might seem like that extra water is coming from somewhere like the ground or the sky, but in reality it’s coming from somewhere else. Like outer space which, contrary to popular belief, is full of water. Global warming makes the planet more attractive to random space water because space water likes it warm. So that space water, which possibly comes from God or aliens, falls to Earth and makes it all nice and moist. That wouldn’t be possible without global warming.
I’m a believer now, and so are you. Unless you’re not. Then you aren’t.
4.
plonkee
October 5th, 2007 at 6:24 am
Space water. There’s something I didn’t know.
5.
rstlne
October 5th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
What’s odd is here in the northeast, it got warmer in the winter but cooler in the spring and early summer, meaning that the climate has moderated. Devastation elsewhere but nicer here.
6.
thisisbeth
October 5th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
I’m in the northern midwest of the U.S. and have complained for the last month on my blog that it’s been way too warm! Someone needs to stop this madness of global warming so I can have my cool, crisp fall days, and ice skate in December!
7.
Nick
October 5th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
rstlne, maybe it’ll just be a constant 72 degrees year-round one day.
thisisbeth, sorry about the ice skating. Perhaps it’s time to take up water skiiing.
8.
Lord
October 5th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
I realize this is tongue in cheek but just to point out, 1) half the world’s surface area lies between +/-30 degrees which isn’t too cold, 2) no more water storage in snow either which is the primary source in many southern areas, 3) seem pretty popular to me, 4) probably have to lose the coat and add wheels, 5) it would move the location of the rain bands by changing the location of the Hadley cells meaning a lot more water some places and less others, 6) heating oil/gas is more efficient and less costly than electricity for cooling, 7) a lot more tropical diseases too,
weeds especially, 9) who says it will be small, 3m would take a third of FL, 30+m (western Antarctic ice sheet) would take most all of it, 10) a lot more sweating too.
9.
Millionster
October 8th, 2007 at 1:36 am
Global warming sucks on the basis that — as a warm blooded species its a lot easier to warm than it is to cool down!
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October 8th, 2007 at 1:36 am
by warm of course I mean — warm up
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June 9th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
According to a team of American researchers, global warming would be irreversible. Indeed, they argue that efforts at this time by the whole world to fight against this phenomenon will not be effective until the year 3000.
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