In the time that it will take you to read this paragraph, the interest rate on your bank account will have dropped 0.5%. That’s because the Federal government is doing some stuff that makes interest rates go down. What sort of stuff? I don’t know. It’s secret government stuff that stupid people like me aren’t allowed to know. I’m told it involves penguins somehow.

Perhaps some brilliant advice from the smartest minds in personal finance can help fight these falling interest rates. Unfortunately the smartest minds weren’t available, so you’ll just have to settle for these guys.

1. Cash Money Life sets sail with some great tips for scoring deals on a cruise. Unfortunately your cruise ship crashes into the Federal Reserve and interest rates drop another half a percent.
2. As if things weren’t bad enough already, Financial Dominance says that big cities will soon be even more unaffordable. To help with this situation, the government drops interest rates one full point, allowing even the poorest of prostitutes to set up shop in big cities.
3. Be sure to look over Money, Matter, and More Musings‘ financial awareness checklist to see if your money is in good shape. Actually, it doesn’t matter, because interest rates just dropped again, this time by seven points.
4. If anything can save our economy, it’s advice from My Two Dollars on making your old IKEA furniture look less old. Success! Interest rates rise two percent!
5. Oh, but then along comes The Digerati Life to spoil the fun by reminding us just how high prices have risen in the last few decades. Interest rates drop 14 percent, and Big Macs now cost $37. Fortunately Diggie also has advice for protecting yourself from inflation such as investing in commodities and hiding in your Cardboard Box of Fear.
6. Surely the joy of people being united in holy matrimony can counteract this financial calamity. Of course, the average wedding costs $18 trillion, but The Frugal Law Student shares some ways to help keep that cost below $32 billion. Interest rates send you a crock pot that wasn’t on your registry. You return it to the store for the cash, but interest rates find out and drop themselves another 30 percent to spite you.
7. The Simple Dollar offers ten tips for cooking at home. You burn yourself trying to make Jell-O, so interest rates drop 12 percent.
8. While the leak in your wallet is probably a bigger problem, We’re in Debt helps you find window leaks. You patch your window leaks and interest rates climb 14 percent.

As you can see from this highly realistic simulation, a little creativity is all it takes to save our failing economy. Now if banks would just add a little creativity to their mortgage loan products, we could go back to giving homes to people who can’t afford them.