I know you’re anxious to read this month’s Punny Poll based on that title, but first we must discuss the results of the previous poll which asked “How far would you go for $50 million, assuming you couldn’t get caught?” At one point, a whopping 80% of you said you’d lie, cheat, steal, or murder your way to wealth if given the opportunity. Then a bus full of church ladies drove through here and tainted the poll numbers. As of the 490th vote, 68% claimed they’d never do anything wrong for money. A handful of you indicated you’d cheat on taxes, trip an old lady, or become the next Hitler to get your hands on a fortune. Most alarmingly, 11% stated they’d drown some kittens for some cash; I’ve forwarded your IP addresses to the SPCA, PETA, and Santa Claus.

Now on to more pressing topics–the impending destruction of humanity. Today alone, a number of signs of the forthcoming apocalypse have revealed themselves, almost ensuring the annihilation of us poor homo sapiens at the hands of one or all of the following:

• world war
• global warming
• worldwide economic depression
• Godzilla attack
• He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
• breakfast anytime you like

It’s a shame too because I was really starting to like a few of you more attractive folks. Or perhaps I’m jumping the gun here and it’s too early to doubt our perpetual existence. I guess there’s only one way to find out for certain: let all of you decide our fate!

 Loading ...