Monday, December 3, 2007

Punny Money’s Christmas Wish List (a.k.a. Stuff I’m Too Cheap to Buy Myself)

Author: Nick
Category: Money

ooh, i hope this is that small but resource-rich third-world country i have always wanted

A reader—we’ll call her Melissa since that’s her real name—recently sent me an e-mail proclaiming, among other things, that the information she’s read on Punny Money has enabled her to save a lot of money over the last few months by switching from Verizon’s expensive landline service to another carrier’s dry-loop DSL. This came as a pleasant surprise since I love saving people money, especially if it means sticking it to Verizon, my arch-nemesis.

Melissa was so thrilled with my advice that she even offered to buy me a Christmas gift! Wow! A reader offering to buy me a Christmas gift in thanks for all of my wonderful writing. That sure makes you free-loading readers out there look like jerks. Hahaha, just kidding. I’m as big a free-loader as anyone else, so I welcome it here.

Anyway, I hadn’t really considered what I wanted for Christmas this year, but here’s what I came up with, just in case anyone else is feeling generous:

  1. An army of maids. Perhaps I’ve been watching too much Japanese anime lately, but I really wouldn’t mind having a dozen or so ladies to tidy the house, prepare gourmet meals, and just stand there and look cute. Fortunately for me, I’m sure my wife wouldn’t mind this either. (Right, sweetie?)
  2. Laser security system. We’re not exactly in a dangerous neighborhood, so we don’t really need a security system. But because lasers are cool, we do need a laser security system. In case you’re not sure what the difference is between a regular security system and a laser security system, allow me to explain: a laser security system is a security system that has lasers. Lots of them. Instead of calling the police on intruders, it melts them. Perhaps I could use it to thaw snow or frighten neighborhood children. Or a laser light snow! Yeah!
  3. 90 square feet of solar paneling. This is about what I figured it would take for us to switch our house over exclusively to solar power. Oh, and we’d probably have to chop down a dozen trees so the sun hits our roof for more than 30 minutes a day.
  4. Catapult and parachute. I finally determined this combination would be the optimal method of transportation for my commute. Alternately, a hang glider and 30-foot runway could also do the trick. And no, a bicycle is not an option because too many people on those funny video shows injure their ya-yas on the handle bars.
  5. 20 fewer pounds. I’ve put on a bit of weight in recent months, though I can’t imagine why. It probably hasn’t helped that I’ve been lax on my Nintendo Wii exercise program. Too bad Wii Fit isn’t due out until next year.
  6. A minor superpower or two. I’m not asking for much. Maybe a bit of telekinesis or some fireball throwing. Ooh, X-ray vision would be nice too.
  7. Private blimp. Jets are just too gaudy and fast. I’d like to get there in style, maybe buzz over a few football games, do a little blimp fishing on the lake. Ah, having a blimp would be terrific, even—dare I say—blimptastic!
  8. A sandwich. Not for Christmas. Right now. I’m getting really hungry writing this list.
  9. An American Gladiators arena. I’m so happy they’re bringing back American Gladiators next month, but what I’d really like is to have an Assault court in my backyard. Atlasphere would be nice too, but I’m sure the waiting list for human-sized hamster balls is very long.
  10. World peace. This list item was originally an iPod, but I figured I better put this on here just in case various world leaders are reading this site for financial policy advice.

Of course, cash and booze are always welcome too.

If you’re wondering what I suggested Melissa give me as a Christmas gift… I actually had the idea to start a bulletin board with pictures of all of Punny Money’s biggest fans. And it’s entirely a coincidence that I came up with such an idea immediately after finding out she’s also saving money with one of my other popular tips. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. If you know what I mean.

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