Marry For Love. And Money. And Some Other Stuff.
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: health, marriage
ACTIVATE CONTROVERSIAL POST MODE. BEEP. BZZT. VROOM. PLOINK.
I have the wonderful pleasure of being married to an extremely awesome woman. She’s sweet, smart, and fantastic in bed very forgiving. For all you single, dating people out there, perhaps there’s a special someone in your life you’d like to one day be joined to in marriage. If that’s the case, good for you.
But before you pop the question and become emotionally, legally, and financially bound to another person, make sure first and foremost that you want to marry this person out of love. Marriages without love are a sham. Without love, you might as well marry a piece of coal; it’ll still keep you warm at night.
Despite what the fairy tales and John Lennon may tell you, love by itself isn’t going to be enough for a successful marriage. Perhaps 500 years ago in simpler times it would have been. But today, in the year 20XX, where your breakfast pops out of a toaster instead of your farmhouse chicken, you need to look honestly at your potential spouse and make sure there’s more than just love in the air.
Love Is A Must, But Also Marry For…
Money. You heard me. Marry for money. To clarify, make sure the person you are marrying is in a similar financial boat to your own. If you’re both poor, unemployed, and homeless, then you’re all set! But if you’re a doctor bringing home six figures and you own your own home in six states, hopefully your spouse-to-be isn’t living paycheck to paycheck.
Also make sure that your intended’s financial behavior is like your own. If Mr. Frugal marries Ms. Credit-Cards-Are-Free-Money, there’s going to be a disagreement sooner or later.
Health. A healthy person who takes care of his or her body will make for a happier spouse than one who catches the plague and dies on the honeymoon. While you shouldn’t let people’s physical limitations deter you from loving and marrying them, you might want to watch out for someone who will enlist you to run a double marathon with her when your idea of exercise is blinking more than once a minute.
Companionship. You’re happy with that person you’re going to marry, right? That’s good, but how strong is that “with” part? Will yours be the kind of marriage where the husband is in the garage all night while the wife is upstairs reading? Or do you have enough in common and a strong desire to spend time together that your spouse will not just be your legally wedded partner but also your best friend?
Stability. It’s sad but true that the divorce rate in the United States is quickly approaching 150%. Soon, not only will all marriages end in divorce, but so will most first dates! Okay, so the situation isn’t that dire yet, but more often than not, a marriage is doomed to failure from the start. The best way to make sure your marriage ends up in the statistical minority (i.e. those that work) is to think about where it’ll be on your fifth anniversary, your tenth, your twentieth, your fiftieth… and if you can’t even comprehend still being with your spouse for those longer periods, then you probably won’t be.
Him or Her. Most of all, marry not just for yourself but for the other person, too. Live your own life for your spouse, and let your spouse live his or her life for you. If you each put the other first, then you’ll have two forces acting in unison to make sure the marriage is a happy, life-long union.
It’s a simple recipe for marriage, though all it takes is one overlooked ingredient to rip apart an otherwise joyful couple. But if you can find someone who shares the same longing for love, desire for stability, and financial discipline as you, you’ll be well ahead of most on the path to eternal matrimony.
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54 Responses »
1.
Matt
November 24th, 2006 at 2:37 am
Equal earning power has very little to do with a happy marriage. Two people earning six figures apiece will probably find it almost impossible to fulfill the requirements of their individual careers and raise a family at the same time. In these modern times a traditional “housewife” (or less common “househusband”) is not a necessity for a traditional family, but that model certainly works very well for a significant percentage of the population. Having one spouse who serves as the primary breadwinner can free the other spouse up to devote more energy to non-professional concerns.
Admit it, Nick– you’re kind of talking out of your ass on this one, and now regret the judgmental statement that people should marry only those in a similar financial boat to their own.
I mean, my god– haven’t you ever seen “Pretty Woman”?
Hate that sentiment, love your blog!
Matt
2.
Nick
November 24th, 2006 at 11:54 am
I’m sure there are plenty of people from totally opposite financial classes who will live happily ever after. But my recommendation is to make sure that differences in monetary status are not an issue going into the marriage. If two six-figure, full-time lawyers get married and want to have a family, obviously someone’s not going to stay a full-time lawyer for very long (or else the family will suffer in the long run).
Of course finances, health, and even stability will change many times throughout a marriage. But in my opinion, making sure they’re on similar levels for both people at the start gives a marriage a much better chance of succeeding.
And that’s why Pretty Woman makes for a great movie-watching experience: it describes a relationship that would have virtually no chance of working out in real life. It’s fun to watch and imagine something like that actually happening.
Still, I see your point, and I know any marriage has the potential for working. Well, except for any marriage involving Britney Spears.
3.
moneysmartlife
November 25th, 2006 at 2:44 am
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie Along Came Polly, http://www.alongcamepolly.com, but it sounds like you just built your own Riskmaster 3000 criteria for a spouse!
Of course, as Reuben Feffer would tell us, the numbers don’t always point us in the right direction. And of course, everything in the movies is real.
4.
jim
November 27th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
I love some good controversy!
5.
English Major
November 27th, 2006 at 5:02 pm
“…love by itself isn’t going to be enough for a successful marriage. Perhaps 500 years ago in simpler times it would have been.”
It’s probably worth noting here that 500 years ago the idea of marrying for money–that is, marriage as a transaction intended to be advantageous for all relevant parties–was commonplace, and the idea of marrying only for love wasn’t.
As to the rest of it, I’m 23 and a long way off from marrying for any reason, so I’m staying out of it.
6.
Clever Dude
November 27th, 2006 at 9:42 pm
I agree that you shouldn’t generally put a super-spender and a super-saver together, but that’s pretty much what I and my wife were before marriage. I was the spender (going into marriage with $20k in credit cards, a new Acura) and my wife was the saver (no car payment, no credit card debt).
We had alot of arguments about money before the wedding, but once the wedding hit, after a year and a half engagement, we were on the same page about spending, and it’s getting better. We’re both frugal, but I still have some room to get better (did I really need a brand new truck?).
But we weren’t the normal dating couple. We could easily talk about marriage and kids and the future, but not about romance. We’re finding that we need to work backwards towards the dating now, but I think that’s why we don’t have the financial disagreements we would have otherwise.
7.
John
November 30th, 2006 at 8:10 am
Yeah, they say that opposites attract thing doesn’t make for a good marriage. Most successful marriages are with people with similar personalities, qualities, etc….
8.
MoneyFwd
November 30th, 2006 at 9:02 am
I generally agree with your point on everything. Some of the statements are strong, but I think the idea behind all of them is right. Your spouse needs to be also your friend, you need understanding in money matters, and you need to want to go in the same direction.
9.
Bobert
December 7th, 2006 at 4:18 am
Don’t get married. It is a sham and there is NO benefit to the man. I repeat, NO benefit to the man.
I’ve made some pretty bad decisions in my life but marriage won’t be one of them.
10.
Sarah
January 26th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Marriage is more about the power to be able to resolve issues that come up – be it money or family or personality or anything really. If you marry someone who has a similar perspective on life, money, family, and love – I think it’s definitely a good recipe for success. The ability to compromise, be subjective, supportive and a good listener also help.
11.
BH
May 29th, 2008 at 5:01 am
I love Pretty Woman for the image that she (the wiggly-haired red-head) can finally be saved fr the treacherous evil-, dirty-minded men & needs only give in to 1 benevolent, rich, giving and Handsome man! although a wounded one. hmm… maybe the wound opens him to the red-head.
+ the red-head can finally do academia with the intention to earn big bucks N have to depend on no-man…
A reel fairytale, for the occasional break away from reality.
12.
Joanna Spilioti
June 25th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Love is the base of happy marriage. A happy marriage is with health, money,accompayship and something else which stand for happiness,too.
13.
Chris
August 31st, 2009 at 7:05 pm
It isn’t actually possible to marry for love. Why? Because actual love isnt the “heart go pitter patter” stuff our culture confuses with it. Real love only grows out of committment and years of shared experiences. There is just no way you can have that in advance! You should strive to marry someone you find lovable, of course, which is to say that person has many qualities you admire, but I think three hundred years of marrying for romantic “love” in the West have proven that one’s emotions when dating have little if anything to do with how well things will go afterwards. I’ve actually known several women from Asia whose marriage had been arranged. They didn’t even meet the groom until their wedding in some cases, yet it was obvious to me that they were in love with their husbands now, and that their husband loved them deeply too. I’m not suggesting we have arranged marriages; I’m suggesting young people be encouraged to go into marriage with their eyes wide open, make a realistic appraisal, good and bad, of a potential spouse, and lose the romantic garbage which is nothing but a fantasy.
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July 28th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
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February 4th, 2011 at 3:41 am
In my opinion, Your spouse needs to be your friend. If you marry someone who has a similar perspective on life, money, family, and love – I think it’s definitely a good recipe for success. The ability to compromise, be subjective, supportive and a good listener also help.
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March 26th, 2011 at 12:03 am
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March 30th, 2011 at 6:36 pm
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April 18th, 2011 at 8:49 pm
100 years ago, if there was no love between people you all would not have been given the right to make judgement, you would never have been born to say the things you are saying. I have a disability not given the chance to do anything. I fell in love and he left me because I could not work or make as much as him. I gave him children and cared for them for 10 years as best I could, he later took them and found someone with more cash than my ssi. As least I could say I know love, I know he cant. He is miserable with his 50 year old hag with money. and my kids are messed up and confused so thank you to all the men out there looking for gold hope you choke on it.
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February 27th, 2012 at 11:24 pm
I agree with Matt and several other contributors when I say that two people do not have to have the same financial standing to be happily married. Sorry Nick, but that really sounds like a yuppy attitude coming out. Just because some woman might be living paycheck to paycheck, doesn’t mean she’s irresponsible with money, uneducated, or ignorant. Maybe she’s just like me, whose Marine husband left her and her 15 month old without a home, a car, or money in the bank. I grew up in an upper-middle class home with a private education and have traveled some…I don’t see any reason why I wouldn’t be able to make a doctor or lawyer happy…do you?
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