I’ve Got Gas … Bills That Are High
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: budget, personal
After reading about horrible gas bills being sent to fellow personal finance bloggers, I was fearing the worst when that monthly mailing from Washington Gas reared its ugly letterhead yesterday. I closed my eyes, ripped the envelope, pulled out the paper, and opened my eyes, ready for the shock of my life…
Then I flipped the paper over because it was in the envelope backwards.
Oh rabbits! $55.07! Chaos in the streets!
Okay, so I can still pay the monthly gas bill with money I find trapped in my belly button, but I was rather surprised because this was how much I paid for gas last month. As anyone living in the northern suburbs of Washington, D.C. can tell you, it’s been a lovely spring this winter. The average temperature has hovered in the 50s most days, and yesterday it hit 65! Our gas usage reflected this–a little more than half the usage in January compared to December. So then why is the bill about the same? Because the rates went up about 60%! Oh no they di’n't!
So with the thermostat set just above chill, the windows reinforced with plastic and two inches of titanium, and the fire in the living room burning bright every night even though we don’t have a fireplace, where the heck else are a couple of warm-blooded homo sapiens supposed to save on home heating costs? I’ve come up with a few ideas, though I’m a little hesitant to try some of them…
Last Resorts For Beating Your Heating Bill
- Forget the heat. Turn on the A/C! Why give in to the high cost of natural gas or heating oil when electricity is cheaper? Just crank the A/C dial to 35 and you’ll quickly find that the winter weather is nothing to complain about.
- Gas company bills you? Bill them back! What nerve those jerks at the local gas company must have that they expect you to pay more just because gas is costing them more. So when it comes time to pay that ridiculous travesty of justice they call a bill, send a bill of your own right back to the gas company. Let’s see, $10 Being A Meanie Surcharge, $25 Ripping Me Off Service Fee, and $100 multiplied by the 31 days they didn’t call me last month to make sure I hadn’t frozen to death. Of course, don’t forget the $50 Funny Munny Tax; you can just send that directly to me. It helps keep the less fortunate warm … in my deluxe hot tub!
- Switch to hydrogen for your energy needs. Hydrogen may not be a viable consumer energy source for a few years, but you can take advantage of this cheap, clean powerhouse today. All you need is a tank of hydrogen gas and a lighter. Bam! Instant whole-house heating solution!
- Change your name. No, I’m not suggesting you dodge your gas bill and flee the country. Instead, change your name to something extremely long–say, 100 million characters long. This way, when the gas company sends you its bill or a credit card issuer mails you a pre-approved offer, they’ll need a good 10,000+ pages in their letters just to greet you. Simply plug that paper into your fireplace and you’ll never need a drop of heating fuel ever again!
- Spontaneously combust. Hey, it’s been known to happen, so why can’t it happen to you? I’m sure you can find some instructions on doing this somewhere on the internet, and once you do, you’ll have an infinite supply of warmth, and all your friends will gather around you to tell ghost stories and toast s’mores.
On what I can assure you is a completely unrelated issue, I’ve added a short disclaimer to my profile. To summarize it, if you take any of the advice in Funny Munny–as awesome as that advice is–you’re on your own if it causes you to go bankrupt, melt, fly off the face of the planet, or experience some other form of unpleasantness. Should you have a pleasant experience because you took my advice, you’re asked to send me a check for TEN BAJILLION DOLLARS. Yes, that’s a one followed by however many zeros you can fit on the check. Or just send it to the gas company in my name.
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50 Responses »
1.
Singleguymoney
January 31st, 2006 at 10:42 pm
Nick – Let’s trade. I’ll pay yours and you can pay mine. Oh, I don’t know if Tegan will like how that sounds…hehehe
2.
Nick
February 1st, 2006 at 12:10 am
Okay, sure! Just let me … crank this thermostat up … just a bit … There! 143 degrees! Next month’s bill is in the mail!
3.
jim
February 2nd, 2006 at 9:29 am
I wish I could look in my belly button and find fifty bucks.
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Anonymous
February 3rd, 2006 at 12:59 am
I don’t know why you’re complaining $50.00 ain’t nothing, there are people whose bills are $400.00 and because half the united states is poor and the other half lost their jobs due to the storms in the host I think anyone would be lucky to only have $50.00 gas bill.
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April 14th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
one of the best ways to regulate your gas bill is by using Programmable Thermostats. We had one installed last year and now we can set it and forget it. I know before my bill used to be so high because we were constantly fidgeting with the temp, and forgot to shut it off when we weren’t home or sleeping.
6.
Savings Account Rates Girl
July 16th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
it would be really funny if someone really did change their name to be extremely long – just so the bill would be really long – but it this did really happened, the person would have a horrible time with his name on legal documents
how much does 10,000 sheets of paper last in a fire?
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June 17th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
don’t we all. However kind of different that winter gas bill is so high.
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August 12th, 2010 at 8:11 am
Changing my name seems like a good idea.
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October 28th, 2010 at 6:26 am
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December 20th, 2010 at 7:15 am
Let’s trade. I’ll pay yours and you can pay mine. Oh, I don’t know if Tegan will like how that sounds…
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March 1st, 2011 at 1:19 am
Gas will be at $5.00 a gallon by the end of the year. This is a huge problem. Drill baby Drill!
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April 19th, 2011 at 11:22 am
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June 22nd, 2011 at 1:37 pm
The gas prices were bad over the winter. I have found that portable space heaters have worked for me. The ones that look like miniature radiators
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August 3rd, 2011 at 8:31 am
So with the thermostat set just above chill, the windows reinforced with plastic and two inches of titanium, and the fire in the living room burning bright every night even though we don’t have a fireplace. Property Marbella
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