Being a man, I can’t say that I have as much experience with the extra dimensions of a woman’s chest as, say, an actual woman might have. That said, I’ve been a big fan of boobies for many years, except for that brief period in elementary school when girls were yucky. Also known as breasts—though that sounds more like something that’s on my grocery list to buy in the poultry section—boobies have been mesmerizing men and some women for thousands of years, ever since man first invented foreplay.

As with anything entertaining, like a blockbuster Hollywood film or a pile of hundred-dollar bills, bigger is often considered better when it comes to boobies. While the exact reason for this concept is not fully understood, it is generally accepted that both men and women consider larger boobs to be a sign of sexual superiority. This may date back to the practice of cavewomen fighting for their preferred mating partner by wailing on each other with their ample, prehistoric breasts. Even though this practice has been largely discontinued today, many modern-day woman put great emphasis on their bust line, placing it in their hierarchy of importance somewhere between grocery shopping and kicking my butt for writing this article.

For evidence to support my statements, I need only point to the booming breast enlargement industry which last year grossed over $58 billion just from parental graduation gifts. Hopefully you’ll agree that spending that much money on bigger boobies is, at the very least, not particularly frugal. What’s worse is that the gap between the upper and lower income classes is directly proportionate to the size of the average woman’s breasts. As the graph below shows, a woman making less than $50,000 a year just can’t afford the boobies necessary to attract a man who makes $50 million a year.

Fortunately for all you ladies out there looking to augment your womanly protrusions, I’m about to show you how enlarging your bust does not require you to bust your bank account. Here are some frugal tips that may help take you from a microscopic double-A to a back-breaking D or F for pennies on the silicone dollar.

1. Find smaller-chested women and always stand next to them. As everyone knows, men are not good at “eyeballing” measurement estimates. If there’s no ruler around, we’ll try to guess the length of something by comparing it to other nearby objects. This also works with breast sizes. If you’re a B-cup and you’re surrounded by AA-cups, we’ll think you’re a C-cup or higher.
2. Choose the right stuff. Everyone knows the old “stuff your bra full of tissues” trick, but you just don’t get the right texture from something like that. From my own personal experience, I’ve found that sponge cake or densely-packed cotton candy not only gives one a more natural look and feel, but it also provides a handy mid-afternoon snack. (Just be sure to nibble evenly from each one.)
3. Try some herbal alternatives. You’ve probably never heard of this stuff, but herbal remedies like fenugreek, saw palmetto, and fennel may help make your run to the dictionary to look them up a bouncier one.
4. Augment your boobies’ muscles. While no exercises exist that’ll give you bigger boobs, you can lift what you have and create the illusion of a larger line-up with certain exercises that will enlarge the pectoral muscles directly underneath your chest. Here are some great exercises for your boob muscles.
5. Breast massage. Assuming the multiple Japanese animation series that have mentioned it aren’t lying to me, massaging your breasts (called “nyuu-nyuu” in Japan) somehow makes them grow faster. This is something you could do with a friend to help make it less tedious and boring. I don’t know the scientific basis for this, but the Japanese must know what they’re talking about since they typically have such… small… breasts… wait a second.

DISCLAIMER: Nick is not a physician, professional finance-type person, or a woman. Do all of the above at your own risk. Especially the last one. Do lots of that one at your own risk.