Photo by What Rhymes With Nicole

Last Time: Exploring the Perilous Intarwebs

January 17, 2008, 11:30 a.m.

Fresh from my Wednesday-night victory, I awake Thursday morning to find a peculiar e-mail awaiting me:

i here ur looking for a wii. meat me in the alley behind toys r us at 10pm and i’ll get you all the wii you could ever desire at retail.

All right! All the Wii systems I need in one shot! Plus, as bad as this guy spells, I can probably convince him to accept Monopoly money for them.

January 17, 2008, 10 p.m.

I pull up behind the Toys R Us just as The Eagles’ Hotel California finishes playing on the radio. The next song is the Bee Gees lesser-known single, Don’t Meet Strange Men Who Can’t Spell Behind the Toy Store Because He’s Probably Going to Steal Your Money and Not Give You Those Three Nintendo Wii Systems You Want from 1972. I start singing the lyrics…

Don’t meet strange men who can’t spell
Behind the toy store
Because he’s probably going to steal your money
And not give you those
Three Nintendo Wii systems you want
Ah ha ha ha…

After a few minutes, I spot a man with a goatee in a red vest and pink jogging pants standing by a dumpster. He comes up to the car as I roll down my windows.

Mr. Goatee: Joo haz zee mowney?
Me: Huh?
Mr. Goatee: I sez, joooo haz zeee mowneey?
Me: I’m sorry, I can’t understand anything you’re saying.
Mr. Goatee: That’s because you’re typing this conversation by exaggerating the tone of my thick foreign accent. How about now?
Me: Much better.
Mr. Goatee: Good. You has the money?
Me: Yup. [I reveal my money---a freshly-minted $750-dollar bill, enough for three Nintendo Wii systems.] Can I see the goods?
Mr. Goatee: [Lifts the telltale white box.] It’s quality merchandise.

I take a look at the box. Something’s not right. The “Wii” logo has an extra “i” at the end. And this “Wiii” isn’t packed with the usual Wii Sports game disc. That disc includes five sports games: tennis, bowling, baseball, boxing, and golf. The label on this box says that “Wiii Sportz comes with four great totally American sporting-type games: Cricket, Belly Dancing, Camel Racing, and Infidel Shooting.

Me: This game only has four sports on it. And I don’t think any of them are real sports.
Mr. Goatee: What? What do you mean? This—this is quality merchandise.
Me: And what’s that liquid dripping out of the box? Is that gasoline?
Mr. Goatee: Oh, uh, that—that is box crying because you insult it.
Me: Uh, I think I’m going to pass. [I roll up my window and start the engine.]
Mr. Goatee: Wait! Wait! Okay, I give it to you for 10 percent off! Is quite a bargain!
Me: [I roll my window back down.] 10 percent off, you say?

So now I am the proud owner of one Nintendo Wii and three boxes full of rags soaked in gasoline. Fortunately, thanks to the high price of gas, I end up making $17 in the end!

But I still need three Wii systems…

Next Time: Just How Far Will Wii Go?