You, my friend, are about to become a very rich man. And if you’re not a man but always wanted to be one, you’ll soon be able to afford it thanks to the fabulous investment tip I’m about to give you.

Come closer.

A little closer.

Yeah, right there.

Ready? Okay. Here I go.

You’re going to get in your car, drive to your bank, go up to your bank teller, take out all of your money, and invest in… BARRELS!!!

Yes, that’s right. I said barrels. They come in all shapes (well, barrel-shaped) and sizes (um, big… and I guess really big), and they’re made from things like wood, metal, or some eerie combination of metallic wood. No matter what they look like, barrels are just as vital to our economy as oil, gold, and uninfected bags of spinach.

Barrels: Nature’s Gift to Mankind

Think about all the different things we need barrels for in our lives. If you think hard enough, you’ll discover that we use barrels for exactly 719 different purposes, five of which are:

• Wine barrels
• Rain barrels
• Barrels of monkeys
• “Roll out the barrel”
• Lock, stock, and barrel

But there’s one thing barrels are most commonly associated with–oil. Did you know that the world uses 30 billion barrels of oil each year? If you stacked 30 billion barrels on top of each other, you would form a chain of barrels that extends all the way to Barreltonia, the mythical home planet of the barrels. You don’t need a calculator to tell you that there’s an awful lot of that “B” word floating around.

No, not that “B” word. Barrels!

Why Your Portfolio Needs More Barrels

I know what you’re thinking: barrels haven’t been used to transport oil in decades. Instead, it all gets shipped around in oil tankers and trucks. But consider this: are not tanker ships simply giant barrels of the sea? And correct me if I’m wrong, but oil trucks sure do look like big barrels with wheels (which may also be barrels themselves).

Consider the recent surge in oil prices that sent a barrel of oil skyrocketing to nearly $80. Was it the cost of oil that sent it that high? Surely not; there’s tons of the stuff all over the world! No, my fellow investkateers, I submit to you that the price of a barrel of oil climbed so high because of the cost of barrels.

And if you don’t believe me, consider this graph from the National Barrelogical Institute which shows historic barrel prices:

And if that’s not enough to motivate you to turn your barrels of cash into barrels of barrels, then check out this lovely footage taken at this year’s International Barrel Traders Conference:

(Note that this article is meant to relay financial information, not provide financial advice. Should you invest in barrels and lose tons and tons of money, don’t go blaming me. And don’t expect to sue me and get any money back because all of my cash is tied up in barrels, too.)