Despite the suggestive title, I assure you that this video starring yours truly is very much safe for work.

So now you know I’m a man on a mission–a mission to strut around in an HSBC hoodie and Bank of America boxers. Sadly I doubt that most banks have filled the position of “Person Who Watches Nick’s Every Move,” so I may need to try a more direct approach if I want to talk my teller into tossing me a T-shirt. To that end, I have prepared a letter which I will send to all the banks with which I do business.

Dear <Insert Name of Financial Institution>,

I am writing to you today to express my astonishment. Normally that astonishment would be the result of your outstanding customer service or perhaps your superb financial products, but my present state of astonishment can be credited to something which your bank has failed to do. You see, the fine folks over at Emigrant Direct have recently seen fit to bestow upon me their legendary logo-emblazened baseball cap. While it may appear at first to be of nominal value, I assure you that it is Emigrant Direct’s thought that has counted the most in the check register of my heart.

After happily donning my new cap, a thought entered my head: “Why has only Emigrant Direct seen fit to grant me a wearable token of their appreciation for my business?” After pondering this dilemma for some time, I realized that perhaps the only reason I have not received a similar gift of garment from your institution is that you doubt that I would actually wear it. Why would you waste your time and money to give me something which I may not appreciate for its true value?

But I can assure you that any such courtesy which you extend to me would not go unobliged. And should you decide to deem me worthy of receiving the gift of an article of clothing bearing the logo of your fine bank, I would prove my appreciation by proudly wearing the item in public and documenting this display of gratitude on video for all to see at my personal finance website, Punny Money (http://www.punny.org).

I wholeheartedly thank you in advance for your generosity and dedication to me, your loyal customer. I look forward to continuing our banking relationship for years to come.

Sincerely,
Nick

If this doesn’t get me into a pair of that fabled Citibank thong underwear, then I don’t know what will.