Based on the frighteningly large group of people who asked for more details on my April Fools joke about how I whore out my wife, there are a lot of folks out there looking to make money with their bodies. And I’m not talking physical labor or traditional hard work. With these jobs, you’ll be using what your momma gave you to earn what your momma didn’t give you—lots and lots of cash.
- Surrogate mother. Is your womb sitting idly by, much like an unrented apartment unit? Lots of desperate mothers with malfunctioning girl parts will pay you big bucks to lease your lady property for nine months. Unfortunately you won’t be able to do certain things during that time like drink or bungee jump, but a well-qualified surrogate with a finer vagina can earn thousands of dollars per pregnancy.
- Medical guinea pig. Depending on your tolerance for exposing your body to mysterious chemicals and brand new treatments, you could make hundreds of dollars weekly letting science inject you, scan you, and poke you. In addition to taking home some dollars and maybe a few interesting side effects, you’ll also have the satisfaction of knowing that you’re helping to save future generations from horrible diseases like baldness and nine-fingeredness.
- Professional model. Whether your hands, your legs, or even your ears are your best features, there’s someone out there who will pay you to show them off, usually with some sort of clothes or jewelry on them. Photographic models can earn a couple hundred dollars per shoot. And if you don’t mind showcasing imaginary clothes on your body, you could earn even more!
- Food tester. Somewhere out there is a small set of people with my dream job—getting paid to eat and drink. Some such testers working for gourmet food manufacturers can bring in $50,000 or more a year. Unfortunately the requirements for getting such a job are pretty high; you’ll need a discerning tongue and a wide vocabulary that includes words like “pétillant” and “vociferous.”
- Stunt double. Do you like falling out of buildings and running around on fire? If so, and you haven’t been committed to a mental institution, then you may enjoy a rewarding career as a professional stuntperson. For risking life and limb to keep people entertained, you’ll take home a paycheck in the tens of thousands but far less than the actors and actresses you’re working to help keep safe.
Of course, if you’re particularly hard up for money, you could try all five jobs at the same time. I’m pretty sure a stunt-tasting drug-testing maternity-wear model could easily rake in eighty jillion dollars every 57 seconds… because you probably wouldn’t live much longer than that putting your body through all that abuse—I mean, fun!