Five Fabulous-Paying Jobs Anyone Can Do—Except They’re Totally Illegal
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: law, work
We’ve all thought about it at one time or another—breaking the law for money, risking our freedom and our lives for the lavish rewards that can come with being a successful career criminal. I mean, you’re a pretty hot person, so I know you’ve considered once or twice just how much your body could fetch in one night on the big city streets.
In case you’re wondering what you’re missing being a goodie two-shoes, here’s a look at some of the most popular occupational choices of those who dare to flirt with the wrong side of the law.
Hitman / Assassin
Job description: Have gun (or machete, or poison, or samurai sword), will travel. Someone pays you to kill someone, and you go do it. Bonus points for creativity and being able to make it look like an accident.
Benefits and salary: Plenty of opportunities for travel. Skilled hitmen can make tens of thousands of dollars on a single job (maybe even a million bucks if you’re really good).
Drawbacks: Not a whole lot of social interaction (unless you get caught). Getting nabbed can mean a trip to the lethal injection booth.
How to get started: Build a portfolio by killing a few people nobody likes, and put out the word to your underground cronies that you’re looking for work. Print some business cards with a snappy slogan like “Definitely Not An Assassin for Hire” and give them to your friends. The police will never suspect a thing.
Professional Embezzler
Job description: Help alleviate overtaxed businesses of their excess profits. Light creative bookkeeping required.
Benefits and salary: You get the look and feel of a regular, everyday employee but with a significant pay increase.
Drawbacks: Embezzlement is becoming increasingly difficult to pull off given the detail of corporate audits these days. Getting caught means spending some number of years in prisons with people guilty of crimes like skull-crushing and testicle-popping.
How to get started: You may already be in the ideal job for embezzlement, especially if you’re allowed to play with your employer’s checkbook. Simply imagine up a few extra employees and add them to the payroll system. Or get your IT friends to help you skim a few micro-cents from the company accounts.
Narcotics Dealer
Job description: Kind of like a pharmacist, except instead of dispensing antibiotics, you’re distributing products made by less reputable, more Colombian manufacturers.
Benefits and salary: If you can corner the market in a neighborhood with a heavy user base, you’re looking at scoring a hefty profit. Lots of interaction and networking opportunities with people.
Drawbacks: Fierce competition can kill your business… and you. Unfortunately you’ll often be catering to lower-class clientele whose funding may not be all that regular.
How to get started: Pick up a copy of Drug Dealing for Dummies, available in any fine Mexican bookstore. It comes with a free kilo to get you started on your way to running a successful cartel.
Brothel Operator
Job description: Earns lots of entrepreneurial experience managing a quaint house of ill repute. Ideal for workers seeking opportunities in human resources, finance, entertainment, procurement, real estate, and whoring it up.
Benefits and salary: Legal in parts of two states with an ever-growing pool of customers! Earn even more by setting up shop in one of the other 48 states. Meet local politicians, judges, celebrities, and your friends’ husbands.
Drawbacks: Everyone around you has six STDs at any given time. Also, watch out for Robert De Niro.
How to get started: For a quick startup without the legal risks, simply move to Nevada or Rhode Island, rent yourself a piece of real estate in a desirable area, pick up a few employees from nearby bars and college campuses, hang up a couple of neon signs, and watch the dough roll in.
Corrupt Law Enforcement Official
Job description: Shoot bad guys by day, wine and dine with them by night. The perfect supplementary salary plan for the underpaid cop.
Benefits and salary: Work with a great group of folks. Little or no extra work required beyond your normal police duties. In fact, sometimes you’ll get paid to do less work than you normally do. It’s hard to get caught because the only people who really know what you’re doing are criminals too. And if you do get caught, you have your years of flawless police record to help ensure your career has a cushy, jail-free conclusion.
Drawbacks: Well, there’s the whole “you’re a cop, bad guys shoot at you sometimes” thing. But if you’re friends with all of them, they tend to shoot you a whole lot less.
How to get started: 1. Become a cop or other law enforcement official. 2. Bust a lot of perps. Frame them if you have to. 3. Trade their freedom for money. 4. Retire to the private island of your choice.
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81 Responses »
1.
Mrs. Micah
October 18th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
I’ve thought about all but the drugs and cops. Especially the brothel one. Wouldn’t have to turn any tricks myself and it’s a lucrative business. But then I’d essentially be a pimp exploiting people….and that’s just not good.
Therefore, a slightly less-lucrative but fully legal compromise–write a few dozen tawdry romances. It’s on my to-do list but I haven’t started yet.
2.
Clever Dude
October 18th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
You forgot the worst of them all…Bloggers who do paid reviews!
3.
Nick
October 18th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Mrs. Micah, I’ll gladly pose for the cover art.
CD, sadly that’s still legal, but it’s ethically in the same neighborhood.
4.
Nevada G
October 18th, 2007 at 10:19 pm
hey, it’s completely legal to operate a brothel in this state, just so long as you’re outside of washoe, clark, and carson counties!
and u can get paid a lot of money doing it! the house keeps half of what u pay the woman.. “for providing a safe environment”
5.
Nick
October 18th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Wait, there are people in Nevada outside of those three counties? Aren’t those where Reno and Vegas are?
6.
Mrs. Micah
October 19th, 2007 at 5:59 am
Well, Nick, I’d have to meet you first…
7.
BC
October 19th, 2007 at 8:27 am
What about Nigerian Scam Artist? That is apparently the way to go these days considering how many people believe that money offered via a random email is safe.
@Mrs. Micah-I’m still “writing” my novel, too, to claim my JK Rowling style fortune. 4 pages in 2 years isn’t bad, right?
8.
kitty
October 21st, 2007 at 10:40 am
Hilarious. Just got to this blog from thetaofmakingmoney link. This is so funny.
A friend of mine was very keen of opening a brothel. For a while we’ve been discussing it every time we meet. Unfortunately, none of us has any abilities in public relations.
You also forgot loan sharking. It may be a bit difficult nowadays given that you’d have to compete with credit cards or prosper.com. But there may still be some people whose credit is so bad they cannot get loans they want. All you need to do is to have some starting cash and a couple of goons willing to break knees for you.
9.
Nick
October 21st, 2007 at 12:37 pm
kitty, that’s a good one!
And how could I forget Goons! Hired Goons!
10.
Mrs. Micah
October 21st, 2007 at 3:31 pm
@ BC, I dunno, it hasn’t been 2 years yet. I actually have about 5 for one novel that I started on the honeymoon. But then I got distracted….
11.
Anonymous
October 22nd, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Brothels are legal and common in Australia. A lodger and friend of mine went to work at one that a friend of hers purchased. She worked there a couple of years taking bookings, running the phones, etc. A lot of interesting stories.
The owner was a retired prostitute who knew the biz well. Very nice lady. I met her a few times when she would come over to visit.
She ended up selling the brothel after a couple of years. Despite being legal, she got tired of dealing with the biker gangs who control the industry and demand their piece of the action. The police don’t really care when you have some heavies leaning on you.
Besides the extortion, the hardest part of the biz is getting staff. Always a battle, and always a drama. They aren’t the most reliable people in the world. So it is hard to make a payroll, rent, etc when the girls don’t show up for some reason.
12.
Sally
September 4th, 2008 at 4:09 am
Man I wanted to do this to my brother in law. Sure thought about it, never went through with it lol
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September 4th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
This made me laugh so hard. I love the part about the business card !!
14.
Powerballs
October 30th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Very amusing article, i had a blast when reading it, very unusual activites in obvious situations.
15.
webseo
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:08 am
“You forgot the worst of them all…Bloggers who do paid reviews!”
Thats a bit rough hahahaha
16.
Jeremy
December 5th, 2008 at 2:16 am
Very amusing article! I’d say loan sharking is a good one too…but hitman remains my favorite, I love to travel…lol
17.
Scott Roberts
January 4th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Unfortunately, the job of “assistant crack whore” didn’t make the list because it doesn’t pay as well as a “crack whore” does.
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April 15th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
This is something what you can really rely on…!
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April 16th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
@scott;
absolutely true lol
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single
May 5th, 2009 at 1:21 am
That is apparently the way to go these days considering how many people believe that money offered via a random email is safe. All you need to do is to have some starting cash and a couple of goons willing to break knees for you.
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June 27th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
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July 2nd, 2009 at 10:02 pm
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July 15th, 2009 at 2:12 am
Among all the list I would prefer being a Hitman/Assasin. Not only I get to travel and be skilled in fights. But the money is great too!
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balendra
July 15th, 2009 at 5:26 am
This is spot on hilarious!
A colleague of mine stupidly fell to the Nigerian scumbags just last month. So these guys should definitely make this list.
34.
Movie Club
July 17th, 2009 at 9:37 am
I would totally be a hitman if it weren’t for the part about actually killing people. I’m shooting a film right now about professional assassins, and that’s as close as I’ll probably ever get
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May 10th, 2010 at 9:36 pm
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July 20th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Kidnapping is good easy money too, but sometimes if you pick a poor guy it can suck.
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