We’ve all thought about it at one time or another—breaking the law for money, risking our freedom and our lives for the lavish rewards that can come with being a successful career criminal. I mean, you’re a pretty hot person, so I know you’ve considered once or twice just how much your body could fetch in one night on the big city streets.
In case you’re wondering what you’re missing being a goodie two-shoes, here’s a look at some of the most popular occupational choices of those who dare to flirt with the wrong side of the law.
Hitman / Assassin
Job description: Have gun (or machete, or poison, or samurai sword), will travel. Someone pays you to kill someone, and you go do it. Bonus points for creativity and being able to make it look like an accident.
Benefits and salary: Plenty of opportunities for travel. Skilled hitmen can make tens of thousands of dollars on a single job (maybe even a million bucks if you’re really good).
Drawbacks: Not a whole lot of social interaction (unless you get caught). Getting nabbed can mean a trip to the lethal injection booth.
How to get started: Build a portfolio by killing a few people nobody likes, and put out the word to your underground cronies that you’re looking for work. Print some business cards with a snappy slogan like “Definitely Not An Assassin for Hire” and give them to your friends. The police will never suspect a thing.
Job description: Help alleviate overtaxed businesses of their excess profits. Light creative bookkeeping required.
Benefits and salary: You get the look and feel of a regular, everyday employee but with a significant pay increase.
Drawbacks: Embezzlement is becoming increasingly difficult to pull off given the detail of corporate audits these days. Getting caught means spending some number of years in prisons with people guilty of crimes like skull-crushing and testicle-popping.
How to get started: You may already be in the ideal job for embezzlement, especially if you’re allowed to play with your employer’s checkbook. Simply imagine up a few extra employees and add them to the payroll system. Or get your IT friends to help you skim a few micro-cents from the company accounts.
Job description: Kind of like a pharmacist, except instead of dispensing antibiotics, you’re distributing products made by less reputable, more Colombian manufacturers.
Benefits and salary: If you can corner the market in a neighborhood with a heavy user base, you’re looking at scoring a hefty profit. Lots of interaction and networking opportunities with people.
Drawbacks: Fierce competition can kill your business… and you. Unfortunately you’ll often be catering to lower-class clientele whose funding may not be all that regular.
How to get started: Pick up a copy of Drug Dealing for Dummies, available in any fine Mexican bookstore. It comes with a free kilo to get you started on your way to running a successful cartel.
Job description: Earns lots of entrepreneurial experience managing a quaint house of ill repute. Ideal for workers seeking opportunities in human resources, finance, entertainment, procurement, real estate, and whoring it up.
Benefits and salary: Legal in parts of two states with an ever-growing pool of customers! Earn even more by setting up shop in one of the other 48 states. Meet local politicians, judges, celebrities, and your friends’ husbands.
Drawbacks: Everyone around you has six STDs at any given time. Also, watch out for Robert De Niro.
How to get started: For a quick startup without the legal risks, simply move to Nevada or Rhode Island, rent yourself a piece of real estate in a desirable area, pick up a few employees from nearby bars and college campuses, hang up a couple of neon signs, and watch the dough roll in.
Corrupt Law Enforcement Official
Job description: Shoot bad guys by day, wine and dine with them by night. The perfect supplementary salary plan for the underpaid cop.
Benefits and salary: Work with a great group of folks. Little or no extra work required beyond your normal police duties. In fact, sometimes you’ll get paid to do less work than you normally do. It’s hard to get caught because the only people who really know what you’re doing are criminals too. And if you do get caught, you have your years of flawless police record to help ensure your career has a cushy, jail-free conclusion.
Drawbacks: Well, there’s the whole “you’re a cop, bad guys shoot at you sometimes” thing. But if you’re friends with all of them, they tend to shoot you a whole lot less.
How to get started: 1. Become a cop or other law enforcement official. 2. Bust a lot of perps. Frame them if you have to. 3. Trade their freedom for money. 4. Retire to the private island of your choice.