Find Out How Your Salary Compares With Excessive Drinking!
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: work
If there is one true driving force behind the world today, it is to make more money than everyone else you know, or at least more than everyone you work with at the same level. After all, what better way is there of measuring self-worth than by the size of your paycheck?
Unfortunately, finding out how much those around you make is easier said than done. Because everyone else is also vying to make more money than you, they won’t readily reveal their annual salaries just because you ask. If it were this simple to find out where you stand on the salary ladder, everybody would know how much everyone makes, and workplace riots would ensue.
But if you absolutely can’t live another minute without knowing how much your fellow financial analysts, data entry specialists, or waste management engineers make, then there is one way that you can pry those figures out of them—a good old-fashioned alcohol interrogation.
I’ve written before about the benefits that drinking can have for your career, but it’s also quite useful for getting sensitive information out of your co-workers as I discovered at a recent week-long work conference. All it took was a group of us, some cheap beer, and a late night in one of my co-worker’s hotel rooms for me to find out that I make a surprisingly large amount more than all of them—even the smart, savvy ones I thought absolutely had to be making more than me. It’s a good thing I was the last one to reveal his salary because I had to make up a number smaller than my actual salary or else there might have been some workplace violence right then and there.
If you’d like to try to reproduce this exercise on your own, here’s a quick instructional guide to help you:
- Get a group together you’d like to “interrogate.” Obviously you’re not going to tell them you’re getting everyone together to find out their salaries. Just arrange for a get-together outside of work—at a bar, a bowling alley, your own home, or wherever. Just be sure it’s a friendly, relaxing atmosphere. Also, keep the number attending to a minimum; this will help you take control of the groupthink easier.
- Add alcohol. Buy the first round if you’re away from home, or stock a decent bar if you’re hosting at your place. If anyone isn’t drinking, you probably shouldn’t have invited them in the first place, but you’ll need to shed them before you can start the salary discussion. A change of venue at the midpoint of the evening might do the trick.
- Stir. Once everyone’s had a few drinks, it’s time to get the conversation heading in the right direction. It should be easy enough to get people talking about work; after all, it’s the one thing you all have in common. Add a little bitching about how underpaid all of you are, and it won’t be long before someone suggests sharing salary figures.
- Lie about your salary. Optionally, you may wish not to give out your actual salary figure. Yes, this is the exact opposite of what you’re asking everyone else to do, but if everyone else’s figures are coming in substantially higher or lower than yours, you might want to pitch out a number that’s in the middle of the pack to avoid embarrassment or animosity.
Once you have those salary figures, you’ll want to consider where you fall into the range of your fellow workers. And if you’re making a lot less than everyone else, it might be time to execute another plan I’ll write about later: getting a raise or a promotion through excessive drinking.
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60 Responses
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July 9th, 2008 at 9:05 am
But if you lied about your salary, isn’t it possible they did too?
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Nick
July 9th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Nope. Drunk people don’t lie. Except for you. And you’ll probably be too drunk to lie anyway.
3.
Chris
July 9th, 2008 at 9:12 am
Thats good and all, but if you’re drunk too, would you even remember what they said the next day?
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rocketc
July 9th, 2008 at 9:31 am
So. . . does this mean that you are sleeping with the boss?
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July 9th, 2008 at 10:29 am
I find that workplace shenanigans are even more effective at finding out how much people make.
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July 10th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Wow, great idea! Is there anything alcohol can’t do?
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July 10th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Or, you could just get to know the IT manager at your company, ply them with alcohol and get them to give you the details. Our IT guys had access to all the information … and one of their girlfriends worked with me so I learned more than I should have.
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July 15th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
too bad alcohol consumes up the wallet ;(
-Jessica
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July 15th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
You are a big fan of alcohol at work, aren’t you? I would love to see some of your cartoons in action! If we all lie about our salary, we should make a contest to see who can remember the most of what everyone else said.
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July 16th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Wow what a wonderful idea indeed to check where one is standing as far as salary figure is concerned! Yes you are very right the arranger of the party must always reveal a median figure to ensure that there is no fight and animosity. Great idea really!
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July 17th, 2008 at 1:56 am
Please update your site with another comic. I live for this on Mid-shift here at work…look forward to the every other day postings (so I have SOMETHING to do).
Thanks and please do keep up the great postings.
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July 17th, 2008 at 8:50 am
When I first read the title of this article, I thought you were comparing your salary to excessive drinking. It seemed like an odd comparison.
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July 17th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I need to try this out on my coworkers. Their too uptight to go out, though. Is there anyway that I can secretly get them to drink at work and then get the information?
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July 21st, 2008 at 9:20 am
I am lucky enough to work in a place where Friday isn’t just casual … it’s filled with beer. But most people aren’t too keen on getting wasted in the office because of the drive home, I’ve found.
Still working on finding out what people are making. I wonder how they would react if you just straight out asked them …
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October 14th, 2008 at 5:09 am
If we’re on the subject of casual, people should be allowed to drink one glass of alcohol at work. It would certainly ease the tension.
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October 15th, 2008 at 2:13 am
One of our clients was notorious for their Friday “liquid lunches” – you knew Friday afternoons were a write-off trying to get hold of them – you had to get them on Friday morning, or wait til Monday. I know they call it POETS day (Piss Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday) but this is ridiculous.
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July 14th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Firstly..like always it was a pleasure to read this post too.Like the points that you have mentioned over here to know others salaries.Drinks is surely the best option!
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July 16th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
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Yes, this is the exact opposite of what you’re asking everyone else to do, but if everyone else’s figures are coming in substantially higher or lower than yours, you might want to pitch out a number that’s in the middle of the pack to avoid embarrassment or animosity
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December 10th, 2011 at 9:42 am
But if you absolutely can’t live another minute without knowing how much your fellow financial analysts, data entry specialists, or waste management engineers make
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