It is my sad duty to inform you all that the great city of San Diego… is no more. Well, almost no more. I mean, pretty much everything’s still there and most of the city hasn’t been touched by the fires. But for all intents and purposes, San Diego has been completely and permanently destroyed.
Many former San Diegoerianites now find themselves asking “What do I do now?” With no home, no city to go back to, these people will have to find a way to begin new lives in strange foreign lands like Los Angeles or San Diego 2: The Sequel. If New Orleans can rebuild itself after a devastating hurricane and Denver can put itself back together after the Colorado Rockies’ upcoming defeat to the Red Sox, then I’m sure the people of San Diego will survive. For those people and anyone else ever afflicted by city-wide fiery destruction, here are some tips you can use to financially fix yourself and your family after such a tremendous loss.
- Sell off city-related merchandise on eBay ASAP. Unlike autographed pictures of famous people which skyrocket in value after their deaths, merchandise bearing the name or image of a city that meets an untimely end doesn’t fair as well. You know that t-shirt you have in your basement that says “San Diego: The Totally Fireproof City”—yeah, you might wanna throw up an auction for that while you can.
- Buy up properties in surrounding areas. If exotic mortgages allowing homeless people to buy million-dollar estates were meant for anything, surely it’s this. People are going to need a new place to live if their old home was reduced to rubble, so housing prices in nearby cities will go up.
- Open an art supply store specializing in black and gray paints. For some reason, artists like to pain things currently or previously on fire. There will likely be a huge rush on dark-colored paints and watercolors soon, so stock up now and sell at a premium later.
- Bake chocolate chip cookies for two million people. After a giant fireball envelops a city, there’s nothing that’ll ease the pain of being cityless like chocolate chip cookies. Buy 1,000 ovens and pour that dough as quickly as you can. And because you’re so kind-hearted, you’ll give those cookies away for free… and charge $800 for a glass of milk.
- Get in line for Federal disaster aid. You can expect the U.S. government to spend somewhere in the neighborhood of thirty hundred dollars to help all of the people of San Diego rebuild, so make sure you know where to go to get your piece of the disaster aid pie.
- Look into tourism opportunities. For this, you’ll need a few things. First, a tour bus. Second, tires equipped for traversing smoldering rubble. Third, “Maps to Stars Homes Destroyed in the Fire.” Don’t worry if nobody famous lost a house to the inferno; no one will be able to recognize them to disagree with you!
- Consider starting a “salvage” business. As is written in the Bible in really small invisible letters, “Stuff destroyed in giant city-wide fires or floods belongs to whomever gets to it first.” Grab a burlap sack and some tongs, and head on over to what used to be the good neighborhoods. Rich people have all sorts of stuff that would survive in a fire like jewelry, gold bricks, and various fireproof gourmet foods.
- Start a new life somewhere really far away. If having your entire city obliterated by a massive firestorm teaches you only one thing, it should be that cities in your area are susceptible to being obliterated by massive firestorms. Consider moving to the East Coast where we already burned down all of the forests ourselves to make room for skyscrapers and Starbucks.
In all seriousness, I hope all of the readers of Punny Money will extend their monetary assistance to help the unfortunate victims of the California wildfires. Please give generously to the American Red Cross and the San Diego Foundation. I’ll match every dollar donated, up to a maximum of thirty-two dollars total because I spent the rest of my money buying up unscorched land in Chula Vista.