WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), in cooperation with every company in the world, announced today that everything has been recalled. Consumers should stop using everything immediately.

Name of Product: Everything (a.k.a. Anything, All Things, All of the Stuff Around You, Your Pile of Crap)

Units: Approximately 500 quadrillion.

Manufacturer: Every company ever.

Hazard: Everything has the potential to catch fire, impale, explode, spin violently, break apart, melt, dissolve, emit lethal radiation, inject poison, cause an apocalypse, induce labor, jettison antimatter, evoke feelings of remorse, alter the fabric of the space-time continuum, or turn into zombies which could lead to injury, burns, dismemberment, disembodiment, seizures, brain damage, extreme fatigue, acid indigestion, and death.

Incidents/Injuries: Reports have been received detailing massive casualties, horrific disfigurations, painful lacerations, and moderate weight gain. More than 30 billion people have been injured or killed through the use of everything since the beginning of history.

Description: This recall involves everything, including your car, your plasma television, and that sandwich you are eating right now.

Sold at: Every store ever.

Manufactured in: Every country, but mostly China.

Remedy: Consumers should immediately stop using everything, curl up in a tiny ball, and repeat to themselves that everything is going to be all right, everything is going to be all right, even though it isn’t.