One day I hope to be rich enough to be able to pay people ridiculous sums of money to do really stupid stuff—like run around New York City for three hours with a cat in their pants, or paint their house 27 of the ugliest paint colors available.

Unfortunately I am not rich at the moment, but I’m hoping to change that right now. You see, I’ve decided it’s time to claim my 15 minutes of fame on the internet by offering myself up to one lucky, really bored person with a lot of money. Now before you all whip out your checkbooks, I should clarify that this “offering up” is not in a sexual way. Instead, I would be willing to perform any of the totally insane items from the list below for the paltry sum of one million dollars.

As you will soon see, giving me one million dollars will be a bargain to get me to do some of the wacky, crazy things I am offering to do. But if you’ve got lots of millions sitting in the bank and you don’t mind letting go of just one of them, then you can buy yourself some of the purest, most amazing entertainment you’ll ever find in your whole life, featuring yours truly!

Since I don’t know any super-rich people who would be willing to do this, I’m going to rely on you, the Punny Money reading audience, to help connect me with somebody out there who has lots of cash and a strong desire to make other human beings do very strange and/or fantastic things. To that end, if a rich person contacts me to perform one of these actions, and I perform it, and I get paid one million dollars, I will gladly give a 25% finder’s fee to whomever my benefactor says brought him or her to me. For example, if you submit this article to some social media websites or post it on your blog and Bill Gates pays me a million bucks because he saw one of your submissions or articles, you’ll get $250,000. Or if you live next door to an old oil tycoon that you convince to fund my little endeavor, you’ll get $250,000. So call every rich person you know and tell them that Nick is ready to do retarded things for money.

The conditions for this transaction are simple:

1. Contact me by e-mail with the subject line “I Will Pay You One Million Dollars To Do My Bidding.” Let me know who you are and which of the things from the list below you’d like me to do.
2. Once I reply to you, you’ll need to provide verification of your riches. Sorry, no freebies!
3. We’ll have an attorney of my choosing draw up a legally binding contract saying you’ll give me $1 million if I do X and I’ll get nothing if I don’t do X.
4. Costs prior to the action will be paid by you, including the attorney in #3 as well as any travel-related fees if you want to come see me in person or you want me to fly out to meet you.
5. Costs related to performing the action will be paid by me, even if I chicken out halfway through the action, which I won’t do because you’re paying me one million freaking dollars.

All right! Are you ready to see the list of really bizarre, disturbing, or just plain entertaining things I’m willing to do for one million dollars? Okay then, here it is:

• Speak to any group, on any subject, anywhere, anytime. Put my oratory skills to the test for your entertainment as I deliver a talk to any assembly of people of any size on any topic you choose. I may not be an expert on a lot of subjects, but if you want me to speak about the future of space exploration to your ninth-grade class, I’ll do that. Or if you want me to discuss 21st century sexual positions with your church congregation, I’m game for that too. You can even invite your group to bring tomatoes and other soft foods for throwing should my speech be met with any dissatisfaction.
• Your own personal protester. Are you angry at a company, government agency, or your next-door neighbor, but you just don’t have the time to stand outside their office or home with a picket sign for eight hours a day? Then hire me to do it for you! I’ll march outside the publicly-accessible location of your choosing with a sign held high to let those people know that you’re mad as hell and you’re not gonna take any more of their animal cruelty, unjustified wars, poorly-written operating system software, or whatever else you want me to protest. Just one million dollars will get you your own private protest army of one for 90 straight days, 10 hours each day. I can’t promise you they’ll change their evil ways, but I’ll do my best to be loud enough to at least get you on page 3 of your local PennySaver.
• Move to anywhere for a year. Perhaps you think it would be interesting if I lived in the ghettoest neighborhood of Baltimore for 52 weeks. Or maybe you want to see me survive a harsh Icelandic winter. Or you’d like me to try to get through a year in a poor, impoverished nation like the ones you see in those commercials that make you feel bad for not sending just 10 cents a day to those starving children. Or, perhaps worst of all, you could sentence me to live in a Wal-Mart for a year just like Natalie Portman did in that one movie. I’ll go for any of those as long as I can bring my wife, lots of guns (especially if it’s Baltimore), and the largest sack of food you’ve ever seen. You can even watch me suffer via webcam 24/7.
• Babysit your children anytime you want. Believe it or not, I’m actually very good with kids, and children tend to be fascinated by me. For just a million dollars, I will be your permanent babysitter for up to three children (the fourth and beyond cost $10/hour each) anytime you want from now until they turn 18. A few conditions: no kids under 3 years old; pre-existing children only; and you must give 24 hours notice when you need me to babysit. Price includes me moving to your neighborhood so I’m always just a stone’s throw away. What a bargain!
• Perform a one-man show of any movie. Just give me a few months to memorize the script, buy some props, and put together some rudimentary sets and scenery, and you’ll have yourself a private reenactment of your favorite film (up to three hours in length) starring me! I’ll do any movie (uh, nothing NC-17 though), but I would suggest some of my favorites: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Forrest Gump, or any of the first four Rocky movies. Yo Adrian, give me a million dollars!
• Use me for target practice. Take out the frustration of running your multi-million-dollar empire by unleashing a storm of high-speed tennis balls at me. Play a game of “hit the Nick with a 85-mile-per-hour tennis ball machine” once a week, up to an hour at a time, for an entire year. I’m allowed to move around, and I get a helmet and other protective gear; but I’m not that fast, so you’ll get in plenty of hits and get to hear me scream like a girl each time. Price includes the tennis ball launcher (a $4,000 value) which is yours to keep in case you decide to pay someone else to do this after you’re done with me.
• Legally change my name to “[Your Name] Presents: Nick.” Assuming the courts let me get away with this one, which they better—free speech and all that—I shall forever be known as, well, I just said it, but insert your name where it says “[Your Name].” People will still call me Nick for short, but if anyone ever asks for my full name, I will give it as “John Smith Presents: Nick,” assuming of course that your name is John Smith. No company or product names, please; I’ll only whore my good name out so far. Also, no fair temporarily changing your own name to something like “Boobieface McFatty” and then changing it back after I adopt it as part of mine.
• Watch me eat 15,000 calories in one sitting. It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of large amounts of food, but even I haven’t tried to eat 10,000 calories worth of food at a time, much less 15,000. If watching someone make a total obscene pig out of himself will put a smile on your face, then whip out your checkbook because I’m your man. I get to pick the food, but you don’t pay a penny if I don’t manage to eat 15,000 calories in less than four hours.
• Infinite sandwiches for a year. If I already had a million dollars, this is the first thing I’d buy. With this package, I’ll move to within a five-minute drive of you and will come over whenever you call (even if it’s at 3am) to fix you the sandwich of your choosing. Included in the price is the first $100,000 worth of sandwich ingredients. The only condition is that you have to eat the whole sandwich while I watch (no food wasters!). I’ll even fix sandwiches for everyone in your family at no extra charge. So if you can eat 20 sandwiches a day, I will come over 20 times a day and fix you a sandwich… a sandwich filled with my love… my love for a million dollars, that is.
• Or choose your own event! I’m open to considering any proposals for things you’d like me to do, so long as they’re not highly illegal and you’ve got the million bucks to pay for it. So let your imagination run wild!

I will also gladly perform any of the above actions naked or in a woman’s dress at no extra charge if you so desire.

I’m sure I’ll have offers coming in left and right for this, so all you multi-millionaires out there better get cracking if you want to be considered because I’m only doing this once. Serious offers only!

And don’t worry, I’ll still keep writing Punny Money even after I get my million because, well, a million dollars just doesn’t buy you that much these days.