Attention Bored Rich People: I Will Do Any of the Following For One Million Dollars
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: wealth
One day I hope to be rich enough to be able to pay people ridiculous sums of money to do really stupid stuff—like run around New York City for three hours with a cat in their pants, or paint their house 27 of the ugliest paint colors available.
Unfortunately I am not rich at the moment, but I’m hoping to change that right now. You see, I’ve decided it’s time to claim my 15 minutes of fame on the internet by offering myself up to one lucky, really bored person with a lot of money. Now before you all whip out your checkbooks, I should clarify that this “offering up” is not in a sexual way. Instead, I would be willing to perform any of the totally insane items from the list below for the paltry sum of one million dollars.
As you will soon see, giving me one million dollars will be a bargain to get me to do some of the wacky, crazy things I am offering to do. But if you’ve got lots of millions sitting in the bank and you don’t mind letting go of just one of them, then you can buy yourself some of the purest, most amazing entertainment you’ll ever find in your whole life, featuring yours truly!
Since I don’t know any super-rich people who would be willing to do this, I’m going to rely on you, the Punny Money reading audience, to help connect me with somebody out there who has lots of cash and a strong desire to make other human beings do very strange and/or fantastic things. To that end, if a rich person contacts me to perform one of these actions, and I perform it, and I get paid one million dollars, I will gladly give a 25% finder’s fee to whomever my benefactor says brought him or her to me. For example, if you submit this article to some social media websites or post it on your blog and Bill Gates pays me a million bucks because he saw one of your submissions or articles, you’ll get $250,000. Or if you live next door to an old oil tycoon that you convince to fund my little endeavor, you’ll get $250,000. So call every rich person you know and tell them that Nick is ready to do retarded things for money.
The conditions for this transaction are simple:
- Contact me by e-mail with the subject line “I Will Pay You One Million Dollars To Do My Bidding.” Let me know who you are and which of the things from the list below you’d like me to do.
- Once I reply to you, you’ll need to provide verification of your riches. Sorry, no freebies!
- We’ll have an attorney of my choosing draw up a legally binding contract saying you’ll give me $1 million if I do X and I’ll get nothing if I don’t do X.
- Costs prior to the action will be paid by you, including the attorney in #3 as well as any travel-related fees if you want to come see me in person or you want me to fly out to meet you.
- Costs related to performing the action will be paid by me, even if I chicken out halfway through the action, which I won’t do because you’re paying me one million freaking dollars.
All right! Are you ready to see the list of really bizarre, disturbing, or just plain entertaining things I’m willing to do for one million dollars? Okay then, here it is:
- Speak to any group, on any subject, anywhere, anytime. Put my oratory skills to the test for your entertainment as I deliver a talk to any assembly of people of any size on any topic you choose. I may not be an expert on a lot of subjects, but if you want me to speak about the future of space exploration to your ninth-grade class, I’ll do that. Or if you want me to discuss 21st century sexual positions with your church congregation, I’m game for that too. You can even invite your group to bring tomatoes and other soft foods for throwing should my speech be met with any dissatisfaction.
- Your own personal protester. Are you angry at a company, government agency, or your next-door neighbor, but you just don’t have the time to stand outside their office or home with a picket sign for eight hours a day? Then hire me to do it for you! I’ll march outside the publicly-accessible location of your choosing with a sign held high to let those people know that you’re mad as hell and you’re not gonna take any more of their animal cruelty, unjustified wars, poorly-written operating system software, or whatever else you want me to protest. Just one million dollars will get you your own private protest army of one for 90 straight days, 10 hours each day. I can’t promise you they’ll change their evil ways, but I’ll do my best to be loud enough to at least get you on page 3 of your local PennySaver.
- Move to anywhere for a year. Perhaps you think it would be interesting if I lived in the ghettoest neighborhood of Baltimore for 52 weeks. Or maybe you want to see me survive a harsh Icelandic winter. Or you’d like me to try to get through a year in a poor, impoverished nation like the ones you see in those commercials that make you feel bad for not sending just 10 cents a day to those starving children. Or, perhaps worst of all, you could sentence me to live in a Wal-Mart for a year just like Natalie Portman did in that one movie. I’ll go for any of those as long as I can bring my wife, lots of guns (especially if it’s Baltimore), and the largest sack of food you’ve ever seen. You can even watch me suffer via webcam 24/7.
- Babysit your children anytime you want. Believe it or not, I’m actually very good with kids, and children tend to be fascinated by me. For just a million dollars, I will be your permanent babysitter for up to three children (the fourth and beyond cost $10/hour each) anytime you want from now until they turn 18. A few conditions: no kids under 3 years old; pre-existing children only; and you must give 24 hours notice when you need me to babysit. Price includes me moving to your neighborhood so I’m always just a stone’s throw away. What a bargain!
- Perform a one-man show of any movie. Just give me a few months to memorize the script, buy some props, and put together some rudimentary sets and scenery, and you’ll have yourself a private reenactment of your favorite film (up to three hours in length) starring me! I’ll do any movie (uh, nothing NC-17 though), but I would suggest some of my favorites: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Forrest Gump, or any of the first four Rocky movies. Yo Adrian, give me a million dollars!
- Use me for target practice. Take out the frustration of running your multi-million-dollar empire by unleashing a storm of high-speed tennis balls at me. Play a game of “hit the Nick with a 85-mile-per-hour tennis ball machine” once a week, up to an hour at a time, for an entire year. I’m allowed to move around, and I get a helmet and other protective gear; but I’m not that fast, so you’ll get in plenty of hits and get to hear me scream like a girl each time. Price includes the tennis ball launcher (a $4,000 value) which is yours to keep in case you decide to pay someone else to do this after you’re done with me.
- Legally change my name to “[Your Name] Presents: Nick.” Assuming the courts let me get away with this one, which they better—free speech and all that—I shall forever be known as, well, I just said it, but insert your name where it says “[Your Name].” People will still call me Nick for short, but if anyone ever asks for my full name, I will give it as “John Smith Presents: Nick,” assuming of course that your name is John Smith. No company or product names, please; I’ll only whore my good name out so far. Also, no fair temporarily changing your own name to something like “Boobieface McFatty” and then changing it back after I adopt it as part of mine.
- Watch me eat 15,000 calories in one sitting. It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of large amounts of food, but even I haven’t tried to eat 10,000 calories worth of food at a time, much less 15,000. If watching someone make a total obscene pig out of himself will put a smile on your face, then whip out your checkbook because I’m your man. I get to pick the food, but you don’t pay a penny if I don’t manage to eat 15,000 calories in less than four hours.
- Infinite sandwiches for a year. If I already had a million dollars, this is the first thing I’d buy. With this package, I’ll move to within a five-minute drive of you and will come over whenever you call (even if it’s at 3am) to fix you the sandwich of your choosing. Included in the price is the first $100,000 worth of sandwich ingredients. The only condition is that you have to eat the whole sandwich while I watch (no food wasters!). I’ll even fix sandwiches for everyone in your family at no extra charge. So if you can eat 20 sandwiches a day, I will come over 20 times a day and fix you a sandwich… a sandwich filled with my love… my love for a million dollars, that is.
- Or choose your own event! I’m open to considering any proposals for things you’d like me to do, so long as they’re not highly illegal and you’ve got the million bucks to pay for it. So let your imagination run wild!
I will also gladly perform any of the above actions naked or in a woman’s dress at no extra charge if you so desire.
I’m sure I’ll have offers coming in left and right for this, so all you multi-millionaires out there better get cracking if you want to be considered because I’m only doing this once. Serious offers only!
And don’t worry, I’ll still keep writing Punny Money even after I get my million because, well, a million dollars just doesn’t buy you that much these days.
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79 Responses »
1.
Chris
March 27th, 2008 at 11:43 am
you might consider putting this on Ebay, who knows!
2.
Fiscal Musings
March 27th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Crazier things have actually happened so I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone actually takes you up on this. Who knows…
3.
Peter
March 27th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I hope the “I will also gladly perform any of the above actions naked” doesn’t apply to babysitting.
4.
Stephanie @ PoorerThanYou
March 27th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I would like to let it be known that I would also be available to do any of these tasks for the stated price. Just in case you get an overflow of buyers, Nick.
5.
Lee
March 27th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
You’re a idiot!
6.
Mrs. Micah
March 27th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I’ll let all my rich and famous friends know. Unfortunately, I could not be hired for some of those things.
7.
Coupon Fetcher
March 27th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
This is great. Apparently you have a lot of free time on your hands. Although if someone comes through for you please delete this comment!!
8.
Jerry
March 28th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
That was worth reading just for the reference to “Boobieface McFatty.”
9.
NCN
March 28th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Hey Nick! I stumbled this post… first! So, do I get a cut? Good luck.
NCN
10.
Natural
March 28th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Hey this was pretty amusing. I wish someone would pay you for something. You forgot to mention dog walking. You know how much people love their animals.
11.
rienarry
March 30th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Lol.. I don’t think this is idiot. everyone may have any dreams. right? btw, nice “cartoon”
i like it..
12.
Rina
March 30th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Awesome.
Pure and simple.
Awesome.
13.
F.Blogger
March 30th, 2008 at 4:01 am
One million dollars won’t bring peace and feed the hungry but it will bring happiness in your life.
14.
Jeremy
March 30th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I second #4′s post. I would also be willing to do the above for $1mil. So maybe if some rich person has wayy too much money and wants 3 people to make sandwiches at 2am every day, they could pay up and get all 3 of us haha. That would be a great way to pay off my college!
15.
Davor Bomestar
March 30th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Well I’ll do it for only 500.000 $
16.
JimmyDaGeek
March 31st, 2008 at 8:31 am
Remember the guy who traded a paper clip for a house, or something like that. The ‘net loved him and came up with all sorts of ridiculous trades.
17.
Grant
March 31st, 2008 at 4:38 pm
As soon as I earn a million dollars I might just hit you up for one of these….
Maybe the changing name thing… hmmm
18.
Ben
March 31st, 2008 at 9:58 pm
What could you do to triple the money for me?
19.
Barb Ryan @ Pasadena Financial Planner
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:59 pm
How can anyone call you an idiot for these proposals? These are some fast and not terribly risky ways to make a buck — well make that make a million of those bucks.
If you had these options, then here is what really would be idiotic. Work for $100k per year for 50+ hours per week. Do this year after year after year for a succession of dipwad bosses, while you develop, support, or sell some product or service that puts you to sleep.
Save 20% of everything you earn every year. Invest in active mutual funds that take a third of your returns every year and still underperform. Pay some fool broker or financial advisor who charges you a sales load to invest so inefficiently and stupidly.
Do this for about 20 or 30 years. If you are lucky, you might have a million bucks after expenses and taxes, but a large part of your life will be expended.
That is what would be idiotic. Given the choice (and a legally binding contract, of course), I would do any of the things on your list.
20.
s. jennifer rose
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I wish I had millions of dollars because I love sandwiches. And I would pay someone to bring me/make me sandwiches at all hours of the day. Right now my boyfriend does it for me, but one of these days he’s going to realize that he’s getting shafted.
21.
Kyle
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:01 am
The changing your name thing has real promise.
22.
RJ
April 4th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Infinite sandwiches please! Please allow me about 3 and a half minutes to come up with the money
23.
Four Pillars
April 5th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
The babysitting one is very tempting (you obviously don’t have kids or you would have asked $144 million for that one).
But I think the sandwich offer is better. If I win the big lottery then you might get the call.
Can I get a deal if I want two of the items? Babysitting + sandwiches for $1.25 mill? I mean you’d be at the house anyways… ???
Mike
24.
Nick
April 6th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Mike, babysitting and sandwiches for $1.25 million. You’ve got a deal. I’ll even throw in a free one-man show at that price.
25.
bk
April 13th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
If I could get all of these services for 1 million I would consider it.
26.
Karysa
September 8th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Wow. Did you ever find someone to give you the mil for doing any of what you offered? I am a poor college student so far living on my own. I would love it if someone where to ask me to do something for a mil but us small town folks rarely get the pleasure. LOL.
27.
Well I got one on you nick!
September 9th, 2009 at 9:14 am
If you were that rich I bet there is something I am worth,
I could drive you around town, drive your yacht anywhere
in the world. Help you when your sick and give you common
sence advice, oh yea the best one, since you cant trust anyone, BE YOUR BEST FRIEND> Donnie Beverly
Any takers, Ive got a son I would love to see go to college!
28.
Maddison
May 3rd, 2010 at 6:58 am
so, did you get anything?
29.
sugar daddy dater
October 31st, 2010 at 9:27 am
Lol, will you also go on dates and have fun? That’s what I do, but ok – it’s not like I really get a million to do that! If you need a sidekick for the protesting, let me know! There’s probably a tea party we could spoil somewhere!
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November 17th, 2010 at 7:35 am
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December 2nd, 2010 at 9:29 pm
While we are dealing with items within the vicinity of Attention Bored Rich People: I Will Do Any of the Following For One Million Dollars | Punny Money, Most people in the world would rather work a job than pursue a home based business. Most people would rather call it a “scam” than even take a look at the business plan. But then again, most people wouldn’t even understand a business plan.
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December 9th, 2010 at 11:34 am
I would travel to word and I would invest some of them and with the rest I will just live from the interest I would get from the bank!
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February 11th, 2011 at 8:25 pm
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Johnny Deposit
February 21st, 2011 at 10:23 pm
I give you money to make me sandwich, ey. Sounds good. When you can start? I pay with really big checks. Ok You let me no. Thanks,
Johnny Deposit
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July 5th, 2011 at 11:48 pm
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I am not asking to be rich,just asking for two hundred thousand dollars to pay off my house and a few bills so my wife and I can enjoy the few years of youth with my teenage kids before they leave home.This money would free me of my bills and then I could get my daughter into singing and my son into racing.This is there dreams and I would love to see them through.I am 42 years old and not getting any younger.What can I do for two hundred k….I would love to meet some generouse person wanting to help me out.Thanks,Eddie
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January 30th, 2012 at 1:43 am
in our country we had a recession that cause me to loose my job. So I pawned my house and my car, now I have a huge debt.I have not yet recovered from my debt when my house was hit by 2 huge storm.. This year I will send my kid to school and pay my debt even thou i am still trying to rebuild my house. So if you think you want 1 million dollars just consider your situation as compared to mine. Am looking for some one who can give me 150k usd…. Any takers?
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