Dear Hollywood TV Show Folks,

If you’ve been watching the news, reading the paper, or paying attention at work meetings, then you know that the Writers Guild of America is preparing to strike, possibly as soon as today. Such a strike would have a devastating effect on everyone involved.

Obviously writers would be affected because you guys generally don’t pay them to perform no work (unlike your own jobs). You Hollywood producers would have to scramble to find replacement programming. This means the ultimate losers will be us viewers who will be subjected to lots more unimaginative reality programming, brainless game shows, and repeats of series we didn’t want to watch the first time around.

I’m here to present a possible solution to the looming writer’s strike, a solution which will satisfy all parties involved. My solution is this: fire all of the striking writers and give your jobs to any of the tens of thousands of much better writers who would kill for those jobs. I mean, who do these writers thing they are? Airline pilots? Air traffic controllers? Some other job that can’t be easily filled with a quick trip to the local performing arts college? No! Any idiot with a typewriter can give a hot cheerleader superpowers and turn it into the most-watched TV show of the year.

So here’s my offer. Pay me what you’re paying your typical Hollywood writer and I will give you 100 excellent TV show ideas, and I’ll write scripts for the ones you like until my hands fall off. Some of my ideas include:

• A comedy about two recovering alcoholics who share an apartment. Each episode ends with them getting drunk and implying that they have sex. We can make them both guys if you want. Or girls. Whatever.
• A police drama set on the streets of Detroit. It’s pretty much the same as any other cop show, but it’s set in a city with so much crime that you’ll never run out of shows. To save money, we could just tape some cameras to street lamps and we’ll have more footage than we could ever use.
• A sci-fi series where, for some reason or another, the government needs to borrow famous people from the past to solve problems in the future. Episode ideas include: Sherlock Holmes finds the real O.J. killer, General George Washington wins the War in Iraq, and Jesus runs for governor of California.
• An animated version of the greatest television show ever made: Baywatch.
• A late-night programming replacement for the likes of Leno and Letterman. I’ll host it myself, and all of my guests will be celebrities who don’t know that they’ve just been injected with truth serum. What’s that, Britney? You snort cocaine off your child’s stomach? I smell ratings!

If you’re interested in any of these ideas, please fire a few dozen of your writers and contact me at your earliest convenience. I’ll have your sound stages back up and running with barely adequate programming in no time.

Sincerely,
Nick

P.S. I’m going to need to use that cheerleader girl from Heroes for all of my shows. I hope that won’t be a problem.