8 Financial Problems Neither Major Presidential Candidate Will Solve
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: economy, politics
Whether you’re a fan of the young guy and the old guy or the really old guy and the mildly-attractive girl, there’s little denying that this coming presidential election will bring about either a great deal of change or a great deal of everything staying the same and getting worse, likely both. Both major candidates have outlined how their administrations would tackle the big problems facing our economy, and each has fully convinced me that if we elect “the other guy” that our nation will suffer from a nationwide financial collapse not seen since that tower of one-dollar bills I was constructing fell over when the air conditioning turned on.
Or maybe things won’t be that bad. It’s really too soon to tell. But what it’s not too soon to tell is that a great deal of money-related dilemmas will go unaddressed regardless of who we elect. Here now are some of those issues in no particular order.
- Lazy people make more money than me. Neither the Republican nor Democratic candidate has outlined plans for rectifying the horrible monetary atrocity that is Joe Stevens (name changed to protect the real idiot, Scott Phillips). You see, Joe works three offices over in a similar role to mine. He started at the job the same month I did. Yet Joe makes 20% more money despite only doing half the work I do because he’s as dumb as a brick. More important than gender-equal pay should be intelligence-equal pay—all the smart people get paid a lot more than the stupid ones.
- Candy store child beggars. Every time I go to the candy store now, there’s always some little punk kid in there who comes up to me asking for a dollar. Since I rarely carry any cash, I can usually honestly say “Go f*** yourself, punk” without feeling like a jerk. But the real question is this: Why don’t these kids have a dollar for candy? Our candy industry must be in tremendous peril if kids don’t have candy dollars. Either major financial subsidies for chocolate farmers are needed, or the government must consider issuing “candy grants” so that these kids can get their freaking gumballs and lemon drops.
- A tiny sandwich at college costs $7. My wife recently transferred schools and was horrified to find that a quick-serve sandwich that she could make for about 50 cents at home was on the school cafeteria’s menu for $6.99. That’s almost seven dollars! And that’s almost 10 dollars! Whoever is elected to lead this country must take a firm stand against profit-hungry universities and tell them “Dammit, don’t be chargin’ no 50 bucks for no two pieces of bread with a slice of baloney!”
- American cars still suck. The new President needs to tell American automakers to stop sucking, perhaps by issuing an executive order to Ford that it must make every car as awesome-looking and well-equipped as the Batmobile.
- People are still retarded with their money. Despite the recent and ongoing recession scare, most Americans haven’t learned a thing about financial responsibility. I propose that the next President increase the income tax to 90% and use the money to buy people the things they really need first—affordable housing, a college education, and a car that isn’t a Mercedes when you’re only making $15,000 a year. And yes, I’m advocating Super-Big Government at this point because most of the country has proven that it’s as responsible with its money as a five-year-old in a toy store.
- Deal or No Deal is still around. Presidential veto, executive order, secret assassination—something to get this piece of crap game show off my television. Seriously, why are people so fascinated with this show? It’s just a guessing game with large dollar signs. And speaking of television…
- Yet another year without a new Star Trek TV series. By my estimates, each month that the world goes by without a new Star Trek television series being produced, our nation is losing upwards of $500 trillion dollars in generated revenue. Our new President must command Paramount to produce a new Star Trek series. Oh, and make sure former Trek producer Rick Berman gets sent to Guantanamo Bay or something so he can’t screw this one up too.
- Rampant prostitute inflation. While the U.S. inflation rate is hovering somewhere between 3% and 5%, several important staples are skyrocketing in price at 20-50% per year—things like gas, milk, and especially hookers! My buddy said that the same whore who used to charge just $100 an hour just upped her prices to $150 an hour last week. That’s a 50% increase right there! The Federal government must do something quickly to help ensure that the rich and poor alike have equal access to street walkers, or our nation may fall into another Great Unsexed Depression.
I urge you to e-mail both major candidates and insist that their economic plans be revised to address these burning issues, lest their prophecies of financial turmoil if we elect “the other guy” should come true!
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19 Responses »
1.
chris
September 4th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
1. could be as simple as you didn’t ask for a raise or “prove” your additional worth to the company. sure you do more work but does anyone know that? do you work harder but bring in less money for the company?
3. your wife and anyone can make the sandwich for 50 cents but don’t. that shouldn’t be a company’s fault. I’m sure she won’t ever buy there again
2.
s. jennifer rose
September 5th, 2008 at 12:02 am
as long as the new Star Trek series isn’t crap like Voyager was. That show was a sin.
3.
plonkee
September 5th, 2008 at 6:28 am
Recent research has shown that the price of hookers (and especially *special extras*) has come down in England. Maybe you should think about moving.
4.
Clever Dude
September 5th, 2008 at 8:08 am
“a nationwide financial collapse not seen since that tower of one-dollar bills I was constructing fell over when the air conditioning turned on.”
Not many things make me laugh anymore, but that statement did.
#1. I’m one of those idiots who make a lot of money and do nothing. I can’t explain it yet either.
#4. American cars only suck in America. The American automakers make great cars, but Americans aren’t allowed to buy them. Take the Ford Mondeo. It’s a major hit in Europe, but no way we’re getting it.
#6. Now that someone has won the million, people will stop watching unless they increase the prize to 5-10 mill.
5.
Jen
September 5th, 2008 at 10:01 am
The reason that American cars suck so much is because they are unionized. Talk about the death of the American automobile. With the industry going down the drain and increased wages being forced on the company it just doesn’t make rational sense.
6.
Brad
September 8th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Wow. I mean, wow. Now I don’t who I’m going to vote for, because no matter what the real issues are going to be addressed. I’m beginning to think that I might write in Mickey Mouse as my presidential nominee.
7.
Kyle
September 9th, 2008 at 9:59 am
At least there’s a new Star Trek movie coming out soon. The movies tend to be better than the shows, anyway.
8.
San Antonio Lawyer
September 9th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I’m still confused who I’m going to vote! I think I’ll watch Star Trek before deciding :O)
9.
Jackie
September 9th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Why give the government all the money- they are even worse with it than I am!
10.
Internet Monitor
September 10th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I can sympathize with the stupid-person-making-more-money-than-me bit. I was an Administrative Assistant a few years ago. I made about 12 dollars an hour. Another Admin in the same office hired AFTER me was making 16.75. She had no prior experience and did NOTHING. I quit angrily, and now I can’t put that experience on my resume!
11.
Ernst
September 10th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
This is very well researched post, your blog is very much informative, thanks buddy.
12.
Jerry
September 12th, 2008 at 5:15 am
Why DO American cars suck? I just moved to Bulgaria (yes, really) and have noticed that none of the Russian mobsters or government officials here drive American automobiles. German? Yeah. Actually, mostly German. Audi makes some sweet machines, and of course the BMW and Benz contingent is huge. Some British (Rovers and Jags and Bentleys). The Americans are only selling cheap little cars to the unwashed masses, and these are lame compared to the Smart Cars and the other cool little dinky things. Is there some hidden government or insurance industry conspiracy which dictates that our cars must be crappy? We used to make cool stuff like the early Mustangs and Corvettes. What happened to those dudes, are they all dead?
Jerry
13.
stocks
September 13th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Yeah, the over-pricing of eating out as compared to what it costs to make at home is getting outrageous, but some are willing to pay the difference for the convience that it provides..
Sometimes its just easier to go out and eat, then to do dish, and maybe that’s part of the problem..
14.
Obbop
September 14th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Amazingly, Burger King is still selling a decent double cheese burger for one American buck. Plus tax. Eight cents locally for almost every dollar spent. Some items excluded. Add that eight percent to property taxes and income taxes etc. and no wonder us working-poor underclass scum/vermin can barely scrape by.
Ever notice how the putrid scum vile loathsome shag-nasty politicians constantly mention some undefined “middle class” yet nary a mention of “underclass” or “working-poor”? I guess if you ignore multi-millions of Americans doing those jobs Americans supposedly will not do we will just fade away and as we age just crawl off and die somewhere.
Anyway, thank goodness for that buck-per-burger since it fills me up enough to cover two meals, leaving just one meal to root around for.
Heck, I can’t make a burger for that at home if ALL the costs of procuring the ingredients are factored in along with cooking and cleaning costs. Utilities are getting expensive.
Gonne’ be tough this winter but clothing will allow keeping the heat set way down and the 40-year old down sleeping bag will keep my aging body warm against the night-time chill.
Ain’t gonna’ be fun, though, at shower time!!!!! Brrrrr.
Well, off to bed. The remnents or Himican Ivan passed over-head last night after the relentless warnings by local weather guessers about potential floods etc.
As typical, the actuality was much less than the predictions. Why do the teleprompter readers feel compelled to warn of possible calamity when they are so often wrong? Even the enormous number of sheep-like ill-educated citizenry will adopt a “they’re crying wolf again” attitude after enough inflated prognosticating is thrown at the herd.
Here’s a poll idea…. how long until Burger King raises their buck for a double cheeseburger price? And, another poll… how high will the new price be? A multitude of us doing the jobs Americans will not do consider that buck burger a vital part of scraping by in today’s economy.
15.
Cheap ps3
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:33 pm
@ s. jennifer rose & Kyle, what has Star Trek got to do with this conversation?
16.
Air Jordans
October 25th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
How about the most obvious one - the pending financial crisis!
17.
Credit Card Applications
November 11th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Yes Please! BIG Government and 90% tax rate…
Thanks for the laughs Punny Money.
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