12 Guilt-Free Things You Should Be Stealing From Work
Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: law, work
Let me preface this by saying that I do not in any way condone stealing things that don’t belong to you. I do, however, thoroughly condone stretching the definition of “belonging to you” to include some things which don’t really belong to anyone, like love and air, but not things like national monuments (I’m talking to you, Carmen Sandiego).
There’s always a bit of a gray area when it comes to taking things that are “free.” Yes, those apartment guides in the grocery store say they’re free, but does that mean you should take all 47 of them? On the one hand, it would be kinda funny to do it, and you’d have a little less competition for apartments which might impact rental prices in the long run. On the other hand, don’t be a dumbass; just take five or six copies like everyone else.
There’s probably no grayer area in the “free stuff” world than in the workplace. After all, there’s just tons of stuff lying around, begging to be absconded with. And if you’re like me and you work for a large, faceless multinational corporation, none of that stuff really belongs to anybody per se. In fact, if you own stock in your own company, then technically some of those computers and light fixtures and floor tiles belong to you. And who would blame you for taking your fair share?
Well, apparently a lot of people would because stealing things from work is generally considered to be illegal. If you try to walk out the front door with a dozen desktop computers under your arms… your grotesque, inhumanly powerful arms… you’re probably going to get stopped by security. At the very least, when someone notices they’re gone, you’ll probably show up on no less than 28 surveillance cameras walking out with the stolen goods.
That said, there really are some workplace items you shouldn’t feel bad about walking away with on occasion either because they’re worth so little or because everyone else does it. Here’s a list of some of those things you practically have a duty to gank from your job.
- Electricity. Are you still charging your cell phone at home like a stupid hobo? (No offense, hobos.) If so, and you use your phone to make even one work-related call a year, you should be charging it at your desk instead. In fact, I don’t think anyone will blame you if you just ran an extension cord a few miles down the road to your residence since you wouldn’t have all these electrical gadgets to begin with if your job didn’t pay you the money you used to buy them!
- Water. If your workplace has free exercise facilities, chances are it also has showers. Even if exercising isn’t your cup of tea, you can still take advantage of workplace shower facilities to cut down on hot water consumption at home.
- Housing. Still renting or paying a mortgage like a stupid hobo? (Really, I don’t mean to offend you hobos.) Why do that when you’ve got a perfectly good office or cubicle that just sits unoccupied each night while you’re at home in your so-called “comfy bed.”
- Internet. Let me be totally clear here: internet surfing during work is a big no-no; internet browsing at work after hours might not be so bad. Now if you’re gonna be looking at the pornographies, do yourself a favor and use someone else’s computer in case your network admin logs that kind of stuff. Just be sure to clean up after you’re done. Clean up your browsing activity, that is. Ew.
- Disk space. While we’re talking computers, I bet your work computer has gobs of unused disk space on it. After all, how much space can a few dozen spreadsheets take up? Assuming it’s not against company policy, you could use some of that extra space to backup your important personal files. It’s cheaper than using a commercial backup solution. But again, keep your dirty pictures somewhere else… like at my house.
- Desk candy. Some of your co-workers may be nice enough to leave small dishes of candy on their desks for people who walk by to take a piece. If your company has you working until 9pm without giving you a break for dinner, those candies can serve as a handy substitute for real nutrition.
- Storage. This doesn’t apply to those of you who actually use your office or cubicle’s space for storing work items. But I know plenty of you administrative types have nothing but empty lockable drawers that you like to pretend are full of important papers. Why not use some of that space to store books, old clothes, and other stuff you don’t want cluttering up your house? (Not that you even need a house if your office is that spacious…)
- Scrap paper. If you have young, artistic kids, you probably have to buy them a ream or two of copy paper every other week to satisfy their scribbling habits. (You know: draw draw draw, throw paper away. Draw draw, erase, rip up paper.) Stop wasting perfectly good new paper on them and just bring home whatever you can fish out of the workplace recycling bins. Just be careful what scrap paper you decide to give to your kids as you wouldn’t want them showing off their doodles to classmates drawn on the other side of top secret engineering schematics.
- Toilet paper. In general, you should be doing about 75% of your toileting at work anyway. You’ll find that doing so will really cut down on your household’s TP consumption. I’m pretty religious about my workplace potty break; stop by stall #2 on the third floor around 12:15 some day and say hi!
- Old magazines. Sure, they’re a little used and out-of-date, but those three-week-old magazines sitting in your office building’s lobby or waiting room would just get thrown away eventually anyway. Take them home instead and catch up on world events with such first-class publications as Time, Newsweek, and Soap Opera Digest.
- Expired holiday decorations. Does your workplace decorate for the holidays? And if so, does it throw out those decorations every year? A quick trip to the dumpster on December 26th could save you a boatload on Christmas decorations next year. Heck, stop by work early on December 25th and pick them up before someone else gets the same idea!
- Landscape. You may not realize it, but that finely groomed campus landscaping you see outside your window at work probably costs more money each month than you make in a year. I think that entitles you to make off with some posies and maybe a few small bushes.
What, were you expecting me to say that it’s okay to walk out with reams of stationery and a truckload of LCD monitors? Sorry to disappoint you, but I bet you’ll still save a lot of money if you pilfer these items. Plus you probably won’t go to jail… unless you’ve got one of those psychotic bosses who constantly inventories the toilet paper in the restroom and chastises everyone for using too much. And if you have one of those bosses, you may want to quit and find a better job.
Oh, and don’t forget to steal everything that isn’t nailed down on your way out.
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29 Responses »
1.
Kyle
December 1st, 2008 at 12:30 am
I know a guy who was fired for stealing toilet paper once. True story.
2.
Catrin W
December 1st, 2008 at 6:39 am
Well, i really don’t have the habit and will to go hard toileting at work at all.
Anyway, you mentioned some really good ideas that i like, and will try to go live :)…
3.
Student
December 1st, 2008 at 11:04 am
You really don’t need to limit the electricity to your cell phone. You can easily bring your razor too. You need one anyways if you work long hours.
4.
Michelle
December 1st, 2008 at 11:43 am
My work’s loo paper has solved a handful of problem situations in the flat I share with 4 others
And to add to your list, charging up my Mp3 player is something I only ever do at work (only time I’m bored enough to think of it!). @Kyle, if you can, do let us know a bit more about that guy - just how much paper are we talking about??
5.
James
December 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
We had an argument in our company meetings about the toilet paper in the office. It kept disappearing and we were spending a bunch of money to get toilet paper, then we had to lock the toilet paper in the storage closet. Long story short, I was in the bathroom the other day and didn’t even think about looking to make sure there was toilet paper. I did my business and found out we were OUT of toilet paper! I went through all of the receipts in my wallet.
6.
uk immigration law
December 1st, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Some ideas are really good, poor guy who got to the toilet after the toilet paper was stolen
7.
A1 Medical Supplies
December 1st, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I used to do tech work for a finance company that had all sorts of great desk candy. The ‘worst’ they ever had was Hersheys, but often they would have really good chocolates like Ghiradellis. I used to love getting a call to come in there…
8.
Hans Komoedian
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I guess it´s the same as hotel toiletries, but it´s every day things that we can take from work. I agree about the toilet breaks.. and also, when you´re not having meals at home, you´re not buying so much food and you´re not making all the dishes dirty! Being at work really is great when you think about it like that! My mum is a teacher and when I was younger she used to sneak us some paper and pens etc from the store cupboard.. for example, if we needed to do a school project.. it was great! If you needed anything at the last minute and couldn´t go to the shops, then “ask mum” it was!
Hans
9.
Wii
December 4th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Haha, printing paper has proven invaluable in my house! Don’t know what I’d do without it without my work, and ink for my printer too, although, my work doesn’t mind me taking them if I ask kindly enough
10.
Air Jordans
December 6th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I would relate wild and crazy tales about my pilfering habits but um you have my email address (beware all other confessors). TP eliminate the role and fold it carefully into your pocket or purse. I heard the guy at the next desk does that. hehe
11.
Budget Save Buy
December 7th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
At my old company there were tons of lunch meetings for different departments and, of course, the lunches were free. One department was notorious for raiding every single lunch meeting for leftover food and at least one time some of them even walked into a meeting to get food.
12.
mercola
December 8th, 2008 at 2:37 am
Funny yet disturbing
Hey kudos to your comic strips. I just noticed you’re drawing them yourself!
13.
WriterGig
December 8th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I steal paper, pens, Post-It notes, books, DVD-Rs, coffee, filters, mugs, candy and food form my office.
So I am self-employed and work from home, does that mean I shouldn’t benefit from the largess?!
14.
Brad
December 8th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
This is hilarious - and you point out some small things that are actually really good ideas (like the cell phone charging. Brilliant!). As it stands now, I usually make off with a few pens and a couple pads of post-its every year. And maybe a box or two of paper clips.
15.
Bird Cage Fan
December 9th, 2008 at 9:53 am
That is very funny.
16.
Jeff
December 9th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Doesn’t everyone use the extra disk space on their hard drive to back up personal files? Oops …
17.
Aroah
December 10th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Really nice sketches, do you write an draw? I mean you do both?
18.
Mr Fun
December 10th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Lol love the sketch. Let’s face it, most people with internet access at work spend 90& of their time on facebook. Is that just me… :S
19.
consumer credit debt consolidation
December 11th, 2008 at 7:27 am
This is a truly hilarious post. Could No 13 be, Have x2 amount of free drinks at the upcoming Christmas party? Thanks from Matt. Merry Christmas everyone!
Here is a link to a website on consumer credit debt consolidation
20.
Making Money at Home
December 12th, 2008 at 11:17 am
This post had me laughing… the hobos part is just plain funny. Ya, toilet paper is a good thing to steal, cuz its so darn expensive and it is free, isn’t it? Guess there is a line there… but its a fine line.
Great post.
21.
mbhunter
December 15th, 2008 at 12:47 am
Take TP that has the consistency and softness of tree bark? Why?!
22.
Steven - Free Annuity Rates
December 15th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
“I know a guy who was fired for stealing toilet paper once.”
– Sadly, with the economy down the tubes, cases like this will become more common.
23.
Graphics
December 15th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Funny post. I’m going to be on the look out to see if people at the office take these kind of stuff!
24.
Leyna
December 16th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Wow! I hope you’re not serious. It never crossed my mind to steal toilet paper, disc space etc., from my employer. Just because someone is a business owner does not automatically make them more financially sound. They pay their employees. Employees are expected to turnaround and by their own TP.
25.
Social Financial News
December 17th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
First of all, do not steal from your employer. Sure, many places don’t even think about the small things, like a phone charger, but some will fire you for something as small as a single roll of that 20-grit bathroom tissue they stock in most offices. Is it worth it?
And the landscaping… Professional thieves will make off with freshly planted bushes, flowers and what-not. There is real cost in those posies and the police will take it very seriously.
26.
Rodney from Debt Consolidation Care
December 18th, 2008 at 12:39 am
OMG Nick, you cracked me up with this one! This has to be one of the most hilarious blog posts I have read in a long time!
I liked # 2 and 9 the most.
I have seen things vanishing from our workplace, and that too those are least unexpected to be stolen (if i may use that word).
I would love to know if any of us have used the ideas you have offered here.
Who knows, may be i will try a couple out of these in the coming days!
God bless.
27.
Free iPods
December 31st, 2008 at 4:08 pm
People actually knicked the tops of the taps where I last worked. I couldn’t believe it!!
28.
Tenerife Mortgages
January 4th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I work in my own office and am connected to the internet all day - i work for myself….
Guaranteed I log onto facebook anytime between 9 and 5, Monday to Friday and there´s 10 or 15 friends online babbling away to each other - at work!!!
I would love for someone to calculate the cost to the economy of people faffing around on just that one website during work hours!
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