It doesn’t matter where you live or work or travel; chances are you’ve seen at least one homeless person before. They’re usually pretty easy to spot—covered in raggedy clothes, dirty and smelly, sometimes hauling around a shopping cart or duffel bag with all of their worldly possessions. Some places have more of them than others. Take Washington D.C., for example. While it’s the capital city of the supposed “richest nation in the world,” it also had a homeless population of nearly 10,000 in 2006. And if you’ve ever been to D.C. before, especially in the area of any of the major monuments or government buildings, then you know that the homeless can be very… persistent in their attempts to coerce a handout from you. I’m sure they’re relatively successful too; otherwise D.C.’s homeless problem would quickly take care of itself.

Maybe you yourself have given your spare change to a homeless person before, either at a stoplight or on a street corner or in a dark alley that you thought was a nice shortcut. I’ve done it one or twice myself, but not recently since somebody explained to me that giving money to panhandlers really doesn’t help anything, except perhaps to alleviate your own sense of guilt temporarily. If you think your 50 cents is going to turn that homeless person’s life around, think again:

• Many will use your handout not for food… but for things like alcohol and drugs. If someone asks for “50 cents for a cup of coffee,” ask them where they found coffee for 50 cents and then let us all know!
• For some, homelessness is a well-paying career. Some homeless people who can secure some good curb real estate can pull in more money panhandling than getting a minimum-wage job, so there’s simply no motivation for them to try to shoot for a better life. And in some cases, that homeless person in rags actually has a home—maybe even a nicer one than you—but he or she stands on the street collecting change everyday because it pays well. Unfortunately it’s hard to tell the “real” homeless from the con artists.
• Homeless people have even worse budgeting habits than average Americans. Even if you toss some change to a genuine homeless person who will use it for food or other necessities, you can bet that all 50 cents you just gave out will be spent by the end of the day, continuing the cycle of poverty endlessly.
• Your 50 cents is better off in other hands. Even if a non-profit organization spends half of your 50 cents on its own costs, that other 25 cents is much better off helping to break the cycle of homelessness and poverty.
• You’ll be a full 50 cents poorer. Unless you can find a homeless person who is a qualified non-profit organization and is willing to give you a receipt, you won’t reap any of the tax benefits you’d normally receive for your charitable contributions. The government thanks you for your free money.

Even knowing these facts, it can still be hard saying no to homeless people who approach you on the street, and it’s all thanks to those pesky human emotions of ours. Guilt, embarrassment, sympathy—these feelings can quickly override the common sense locks we keep on our wallets that normally keep us from using money foolishly. But if you’re in the habit of wandering through areas with heavy homeless populations, you could end up giving away a lot of your cash to panhandlers. To help fight the urge to toss pennies at every beggar on the street, here are some steps you should take the next time you find yourself face-to-dirty-face with one of the much less fortunate.

1. Don’t make eye contact. It may sound cold and heartless, but it’s a lot easier to ignore someone when you’re not looking at them.
2. Don’t dress rich. If you’re planning a stroll through downtown Hoboville, then you may want to dress like a hobo so you don’t draw the attention of every Johnny Gimme-a-dime. If you look like a million bucks, then homeless people will assume you have a million bucks. And so might the muggers…
3. Find alternate routes. If your commute to work takes you by that adorable stinky homeless guy to whom you can’t help but toss a few dollars everyday, you need to find a new route to work. Again, it might sound mean, but “out of sight, out of mind” really does apply here.
4. Don’t carry cash. Ever. This is something I recommend in general for everyone, not just as a way to fend off panhandlers. If you don’t even carry a dollar with you, you won’t be able to give it to the next random beggar who accosts you on the street. If you need regular access to cash, carry an ATM card if you must (but not a debit card). Otherwise, keep only credit cards in your wallet and you won’t have to worry about whittling away your savings on handouts.
5. Actually freaking do something about homelessness. What, did you think you were gonna get out of this one for free? Pffft. The only real way to fight that guilty feeling you get every time you see a homeless person is to help them—not that one person, but all homeless people in general. As I mentioned earlier, your 50 cents (or five dollars, or $1,000) will be put to much better use in the hands of organizations like the United Way or Salvation Army. Even better: volunteer your time for free at your local soup kitchen or homeless shelter (and don’t forget to take your tax deductions for expenses you incur while working for charities). Or contact your local government and politicians and tell them to address the problem of homelessness in your area. Whatever you decide, you’ll find it’s much easier to “ignore” the homeless when you’re actually helping them.
6. Call 311. Several cities, most recently New York, have launched programs that allow citizens to phone their local non-emergency number to report homeless persons—not so they can be arrested or bussed out of town, but so that they can be helped. New York City’s program, for example, sends someone from its Department of Homeless Services in response to every report it receives and usually within one hour of the call. Sure, the homeless person can refuse assistance, but sometimes all it takes is a helping hand out (and not a handout) to get those people back on their feet.

One last note on that 311 service: If your city doesn’t advertise that it offers assistance to homeless through its 311 service, call anyway. You may still be able to find someone who will do something to help, even if it is just sending a patrol car to offer a ride to the nearest shelter. And if your 311 service refuses to help, call your mayor, representative, senator, or governor and request for that to change.

Earlier this week, we looked at one of the many ways I make money on the side—selling snake oil to enfeebled minds. Today I’m going to reveal another secret money-making scheme of mine that has brought in tens of thousands of dollars in extra income for our family: selling my wife’s body on the street.

Now I know what you’re thinking—”Why didn’t I think of that?”—but hear me out. I’ll admit that we were a little skittish about the idea when it was first proposed to us by a disgruntled priest at a religious retreat three years ago. I mean, just the idea of sharing one’s spouse with strangers seemed utterly ridiculous. But when the prospect of making big bucks was presented to us, the idea became quite intriguing.

We decided to try it out a few days after we got back. We started small at first—selling 15-minute “romps in the sack” for $20 to stay-at-home dads in the neighborhood. (I even made a few extra bucks babysitting their kids while dad was “playing with his merchandise.”) My wife really warmed up to the job—not just for the money, but also because she realized that just about every customer she had was better in bed than me. I was a little afraid she was going to start offering her services for free because she enjoyed her work so much, but she assured me that would never happen.

Eventually we expanded the business, branching out to other neighborhoods, sometimes visiting downtown D.C. With the demand for top-quality working girls at an all-time high, my wife was quickly able to raise her going rate to $250 an hour. She became a favorite of foreign diplomats along Embassy Row where we frequently set up shop—and not to give out geography lessons, if-you-know-what-I-mean.

Sadly, most of her best clients were recently impeached, removed from office, deported, or assassinated, so business has dried up quite a bit. We were thinking of relocating to a different area with a lower client-to-call-girl ratio, such as Vatican City, but my wife decided to give up the business and focus on her education instead. Something about using her “academic” talents, whatever that means.

Since we’re out of the industry now, I figure there’s no harm in sharing some of the secrets behind our sexual fiscal success, just in case you and your spouse are thinking about giving this money-making opportunity a test drive.

1. Share the responsibilities. One of you should be committed full-time to doing the hard work—taking care of the finances. All that money you’ll be making will require someone with a strong background in mathematics who can at least count from 1 to 100. And while your partner won’t need lots of arithmetic to service clients, your spouse should still be able to count up to 69 or so.
2. Incorporate your business. I don’t know very much about proper business law, but one of the hookers my wife used to share a street corner with says that her pimp organized himself under an LLC—a limited liability call-house—which protects his business assets and employees in the event that they’re busted by the cops. Be sure to look up the laws in your own state as you may be better off organizing yourself as an S-corp, which is short for “strumpet corporation.”
3. Set your price high—but not too high. Don’t think you’re gonna make $4,000 an hour right away like a certain gubernatorial call girl who’s been in the news lately. At the same time, don’t sell yourself short. You might not be able to demand much right away, but once word of your spouse’s talents spreads, you can easily make $1,000 or more a night.
4. Get the word out. One of the trickier parts about being a harlot is connecting with potential clients. After all, you can’t just take out an ad in the Yellow Pages or slap a bumper sticker with your phone number and measurements on your car. Instead, you’ll have to advertise primarily through word of mouth and maybe Craigslist.
5. Offer a rewards plan for repeat customers. Specials like “buy 4, get 1 free” are sure to attract the attention of customers who want a concubine that’s easy on the eyes and on the budget.
6. Take care of your spouse’s body. Just like a professional bowler takes good care of his hands, so too should both of you work on keeping your spouse in top physical condition. Sure, it means lots of trips to the gym, nutrition centers, and lollipop stores, but that’s what it’s going to take to keep your spouse a viable product in today’s market.
7. Don’t forget to do your taxes. Some streetwalkers prefer pocketing their cash and stiffing the government, but we’re a wholesome and ethical couple, so we’re always sure to declare our sex money on Schedule C of our Federal tax returns. After all, you don’t want the IRS pounding on the door at the same time the police are breaking it down.
8. Make time for the two of you. Remember, just because your spouse is sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry on the block doesn’t mean you two aren’t still married—for better or for worse. Set aside one evening each week for a little alone time. For us, we’d spend every Tuesday night in bed for hours counting all of the money we were bringing in.

Notice how I’ve been rather gender-neutral during this discussion? That’s because it doesn’t have to be just the woman in your relationship who’s doing the deeds. And while the demand for male whores isn’t quite as high, an attractive man who can go the distance can still fetch quite a price in the right places (like flower shows and PTA meetings). I’ll admit we tried selling some “Nick sandwiches” at one point, but there just wasn’t that much demand outside of the gay community.

I almost forgot one very important bit of advice: don’t forget the all-important over limit fee for clients who weigh more than twice your spouse does. You’ll need that extra money to pay for chiropractic and psychotherapeutic sessions down the road.

So give it a shot, and let us know how it goes by leaving a comment below. Oh, and while my wife may have officially retired from the business, if any ladies out there are looking for a “financial manager,” feel free to give me a buzz.