Last Time: Shading Dealings
January 18, 2008
It seems my internetting diligence has finally paid off; word on the e-street is that GameStop is getting another shipment of Wii systems today. Some stores will receive as few as three units, while others may get 15 or more. I wake up early to start calling stores, but these efforts prove futile as GameStop’s Wii shipments come via UPS during the day. I’m tempted to set up an automated dialer to call every GameStop in the area with the following recorded message:
Hi, you’re being called by Nick, a guy who really needs three more Nintendo Wii systems by the end of the month. If your store currently has a Wii in stock, please press 1. Otherwise, please stay on the line until you have one.
Fortunately I don’t need to go that far because a mid-morning call to a GameStop just two miles away reveals that they’ve just received a shipment… of three.
January 18, 2008, 11:25 a.m.
Telling my boss that I needed to sneak out for an hour to “take a Wii” probably confused him enough that he won’t even realize I’m gone. It only takes me 10 minutes to get to the GameStop after I find out they have Wii units in stock. Unfortunately the store refused to hold one for me for even 15 minutes, but I’m sure my town doesn’t mind me testing out its new red-light and speed cameras as much as I did to get here.
I dash from my parking spot into the GameStop, narrowly avoiding a collision with a grocery delivery truck (luckily it was parked, so I had the advantage). I run up to the counter, catch the eye of the mid-20s clerk, and ask, “Do you have any Wii systems in stock?” I wince as I hear what I hope is the echo of my own voice, but alas it is another customer asking the same question at the same time. I turn and see a gorgeous young Japanese woman in a short white dress (it’s 40 degrees outside) opening her sequined purse.
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: I’ll give you 20 dollars above retail for it.
Me: Wha? Huh? Abup…
Mr. GameStop Clerk: Sorry, we can’t sell it above retail price.
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: Then how will you decide who gets it?
Crap, I think to myself. A mid-20s guy has to pick between pleasing another mid-20s guy or an extremely attractive girl in a slinky outfit. I get ready to walk out the door.
Mr. GameStop Clerk: Well, I suppose we could have a contest.
Me: A contest?
Mr. GameStop Clerk: Yeah, to see who wants it more.
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: What sort of contest?
Mr. GameStop Clerk: Well, how about…
…the most massive one-on-one videogaming tournament you’ve ever seen, featuring a trip through gaming history with 23 stops along the way! First we’ll travel back to 1986 where you will each play through the Sega Master System’s Fantasy Zone to completion, with 65 points being awarded to the highest scorer. Then we’ll move on to a grueling six-hour Duck Hunt marathon on the NES, followed by a best-of-30 Mortal Kombat tournament for the ages! And then…
Me: How about we just play best-of-five Wii Tennis on the display over there?
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: Okay!
January 18, 2008, 11:55 a.m.
Before long, the Wii Tennis match between me and the really hot Japanese girl is tied at two games apiece, and I currently have the advantage in the final game. All I need to do is slam this next serve into her court and that Wii is mine!
I flick the Wii remote above my head and time it perfectly so I hit her with a power serve. But as I’m about to bring the remote down, my cell phone rings, throwing off my timing and giving her a serve she easily returns in my back court. Now we’re at Deuce #3.
I answer my phone. It’s my boss.
Mr. Boss: Er, um, Nick, what exactly did you mean by “taking a Wii?” You know our company has a strict policy against sexual encounters during work hours, homosexual or otherwise.
Me: Oh, uh. Sorry, Boss. Don’t worry, it’s nothing like that.
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: Will you hurry up? I want that Wii already!
Mr. Boss: Uh… if you say so. I hope she’s pretty at least!
Me: Yeah, she i—er, I mean… I’ll be back in 20 minutes. *click*
I turn to my opponent and glare.
Me: You’re going down, missie.
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: Tee hee. I haven’t even used my secret weapon yet!
About five minutes and six more deuces later, she has the advantage. I suspect I’m finally starting to wear her down, but I need to be careful because I’m just one point away from losing. I lean back, flick the Wii remote in the air, and smash a power serve her way. She sees it coming but barely manages to return it. The ball floats gently toward me. I see an opening and get ready to send it there. Then suddenly…
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: Oh no! My dress has fallen off!
I try not to lose my concentration, but my opponent has found my one weakness. Instead of timing my return perfectly, I end up spinning around, tripping over my own feet, and stumbling head-first into a nearby shelf.
Mr. GameStop Clerk: The winner is… Miss Hottie Japanese Girl!
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: I win! I win!
Me: That’s so cheating! You weren’t even naked!
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: Ha, you wish. Now where’s my Wii?
Mr. GameStop Clerk: Coming right up!
I follow the Japanese girl to the counter, hoping the clerk will find a second Wii miraculously while searching for hers. Instead…
Mr. GameStop Clerk: Hey, where’s the Wii I had up here?
Mr. GameStop Assistant Clerk: You mean the one I sold to that kid 10 minutes ago?
Me and Miss Hottie Japanese Girl and Mr. GameStop Clerk: You WHAT???
Mr. GameStop Assistant Clerk: Yeah, he came in and picked it up while you all were over at the Wii station.
I laugh to myself a little bit, disappointed that today would be another Wii-less day, but satisfied that my new arch-nemesis would be walking away empty-handed too. Speaking of her, she glares violently at the clerk who’s been serving us, walks toward the door, but turns around before leaving and glares at him again.
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: And I was going to sleep with you if I got that Wii!
Mr. GameStop Clerk: Oh wait, I just remembered we have another one in the back. Why don’t you follow me… back there… and we can look for it together?
Miss Hottie Japanese Girl: Tee hee! Sure!
And so off they go to the back room. I look at the assistant clerk.
Mr. GameStop Assistant Clerk: You’re gonna blog about this, aren’t you?
Me: You betcha. But instead of writing about how it really ended—with me getting here five minutes after the last Wii sold out—I’m gonna make up a more entertaining story involving a hot Japanese girl and an epic Wii Tennis tournament.
Mr. GameStop Assistant Clerk: You must not get very many readers.
Me: I bet I will after today!
Next Time: Wii #2 At Last!