Money is time. Time is money. You just wasted three cents reading this opening, so let’s get to it!
Since my petition to add Nickday between Wednesday and Thursday was rejected by Congress, I’ve been looking for ways to help me find some extra time. I came up with the following list which can save anybody up to 24 hours every single week.
- Ditch the TV. Most people watch at least two hours of television every day. Last time I checked, TV is not a vitamin the body needs to survive. Stop watching all TV, except for Heroes because it’s awesome. Time saved: 13 hours
- Sleep one hour less each day, and two hours less each weekend day. Yes, it can be done. It’ll take some getting used to, but spending less time horizontally unconscious is the easiest way to add hours to your week. Time saved: 9 hours
- Skip every other shower. If everybody did this, nobody would notice the smell! Time saved: 30 minutes
- Omit unneeded words. Strive for efficiency of speech. Instead of “Please pass me the bread,” say, “Bread. Now.” Time saved: 30 minutes
- Skim some time from work. Show up two minutes later, leave three minutes early. Do this five times a week. Just don’t let the boss catch you! Time saved: 25 minutes
- Pee faster. Instead of letting it just stream out, put some force behind it and finish in half the time. Time saved: 10 minutes
- Instead of walking, cartwheel. Cartwheeling is at least 10% faster than normal one-foot-in-front-of-the-other travel. It’s also a great way to impress the ladies. Time saved: 10 minutes
- Skip sex once a week. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. Time saved: 5 minutes
- Don’t wear underwear. Think about how often you take off or put on underwear each week. Underwear is not worth it! Time saved: 5 minutes
- Fill water glasses from the tub, not the sink. Need a glass of water? It’ll take about five seconds to fill it from the kitchen tap, but the tub spigot will do it in two. Multiply that by eight glasses a day, seven days a week, and you get… Time saved: 3 minutes
- Add a fireman’s pole to your home. Stairs just don’t cut it in today’s fast-paced society. Time saved: 1 minute and 30 seconds
- Rename your children. It’ll make them easier to call down for dinner. One-syllable names only, people! Mahershalalhashbaz might sound like a cool name, but George will do just fine. Time saved: 30 seconds
Now that you have an extra day every week, be sure to put it to good use. Volunteer at an orphanage. Write the Great American Novel. Read the Punny Money archives. Or fulfill your dream of becoming the first person to build a life-sized model of the Starship Enterprise out of toothpicks.